Five Ways to Ruin an Interview With Woody Harrelson
[FULL DISCLOSURE: The following interview is old.
| Read more |
Not Your Father’s Bourbon (How America’s Only Native Alcohol Beat the Recession By Getting a Little Fruity)
When you visit Kentucky, you better come prepared to drink.
| Read more |
Memories of Punctuation (Part One: The Comma)
My introduction to the tyranny of grammar came from an unlikely place.
| Read more |
Read My Lips (or “The Heart is a Lonely Ventriloquist”)
During the fall of 1978, my brother announced that he was going to become a ventriloquist.
| Read more |
Down For the Sperm Count
I slammed on the brakes a little too hard. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the dixie cup filled with my seminal fluid, gliding across the passenger side seat like a hockey puck soaring towards a goal. I reached out and grabbed it, saving my sperm from certain suicide, and held it close to my chest, as if protecting it from predators.
| Read more |
Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt
I picked up my mother at the Orlando airport, and during the hour-long drive down to Melbourne, she went through a laundry list of warnings about Bob, her younger brother and my uncle.
| Read more |
Surprising and Occasionally Shocking Things I Learned While Visiting My Family During the Holidays
1. Despite What His Mother Thinks, My Nephew Is Probably Not Fluent in Finnish.
| Read more |
Four Stories About Sex In Which No Actual Sex Takes Place
I. At first, I didn’t know what I was looking at. It seemed like something was missing. It was just a hairless mound which, based on what little I knew about human anatomy, should have contained a penis.
| Read more |
What We Talk About When We’re Trying Not To Talk About Death
The woods of northern Michigan can be unseasonably cold in July. Even when the temperature reaches 80 degrees, the moment you venture into the dark, Tolkien-esque forest, it might as well be mid-February. It’s damp and unpleasant and the ground is still frost-bitten from the winter. It’s where happiness goes to die.
| Read more |
For Tightwads Who Have Considered Filet Mignon When Burger Chef Is Enuf
You can learn everything you’d ever want or need to know about a family — either your own or somebody else’s — just by listening to what they talk about over dinner. Do they discuss literature, the economy, celebrity gossip, how the government is screwing them, which relatives not currently in the room are assholes?
| Read more |
