Compare and Contrast (part five)
GANDALF vs. GANGNAM STYLE
CATEGORY: Name origin
FICTIONAL WIZARD: “Wand elf” in Old Norse
NOVELTY SONG: A wealthy Seoul neighborhood
CATEGORY: Amazing Feat
FICTIONAL WIZARD: Survived battle with Balrog
NOVELTY SONG: Most “liked” YouTube video of all time
CATEGORY: Signature Move
FICTIONAL WIZARD: Shooting lightning from his staff
NOVELTY SONG: The pony-riding dance
CATEGORY: Fan base
FICTIONAL WIZARD: Hobbits
NOVELTY SONG: Most of the world, except Japan
CATEGORY: Altruism
FICTIONAL WIZARD: Saved Middle Earth from destruction
NOVELTY SONG: “A force for world peace,” says UN Secretary-General
CATEGORY: Health issues
FICTIONAL WIZARD: Resurrected
NOVELTY SONG: Singer has noticeable paunch
CATEGORY: Imitators
FICTIONAL WIZARD: Dumbledore
NOVELTY SONG: Philippine convicts
WINNER: “Gangnam Style”
* * *
RAY LEWIS vs. DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
CATEGORY: Favorite Activity
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Weeping
BRITISH THESPIAN: Suffering for his art
CATEGORY: Career High
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Super Bowl MVP
BRITISH THESPIAN: Lincoln
CATEGORY: Career Low
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Indicted in double homicide
BRITISH THESPIAN: Nine
CATEGORY: Cultural Legacy
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Squirrel Dance
BRITISH THESPIAN: “I drink your milkshake!”
CATEGORY: Daddy Issues
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Dad left when he was 6
BRITISH THESPIAN: Thought dead father watched him perform Hamlet
CATEGORY: On The Job Injuries
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Torn triceps
BRITISH THESPIAN: Nose broken by Leonardo DiCaprio
CATEGORY: Parenting
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Six kids by four women
BRITISH THESPIAN: Told kids he was construction worker
CATEGORY: Scary Accessory
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Darth Vader-esque face mask
BRITISH THESPIAN: Hoop earrings
CATEGORY: Retirement Plans
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Job offers at ESPN and CBS
BRITISH THESPIAN: Trained as a cobbler
CATEGORY: Alleged Drug Use
BALTIMORE LINEBACKER: Deer-antler spray
BRITISH THESPIAN: Antibiotics from self-inflicted pneumonia
WINNER: A tie!
* * *
FISCAL CLIFF vs. HEATHCLIFF
CATEGORY: What Is It?
FINANCIAL CONUNDRUM: Billions in taxes and spending cuts
FICTIONAL CAT: Feline with eating disorder
CATEGORY: Blame It On George
FINANCIAL CONUNDRUM: Purportedly caused by George W. Bush-era tax cuts
FICTIONAL CAT: Created by cartoonist George Gately
CATEGORY: Potential Damage
FINANCIAL CONUNDRUM: Another recession
FICTIONAL CAT: Overturned trash cans
CATEGORY: Industries Affected
FINANCIAL CONUNDRUM: Defense, social programs
FICTIONAL CAT: Fishmongers, sanitation
CATEGORY: Seniors Affected
FINANCIAL CONUNDRUM: Any on Medicare
FICTIONAL CAT: Mr. Schultz
CATEGORY: Unfair Comparisons
FINANCIAL CONUNDRUM: Europe’s Financial Crisis
FICTIONAL CAT: Garfield
WINNER: Heathcliff
* * *
LEONARD COHEN vs. STEVE COHEN
CATEGORY: Demeanor
SINGER: Brooding
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Tempestuous
CATEGORY: Fashion Sense
SINGER: Italian suits
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Sweaters with zippers
CATEGORY: Financial Stability
SINGER: Toured in 2008 because he was broke
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Net worth estimated at $8.8 billion
CATEGORY: Nickname
SINGER: The Poet Laureate of Pessimism
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Stevie
CATEGORY: Famous Nuisance
SINGER: A gun-wielding Phil Spector
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: F.B.I. wiretaps
CATEGORY: Love Life Travails
SINGER: Flings with Janis Joplin, etc.
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Sued by ex-wife for racketeering
CATEGORY: WTF Factor
SINGER: Was a guest star on Miami Vice
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Head made of frozen blood in office lobby
CATEGORY: Extracurricular Activities
SINGER: Became a monk
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Paid $8 million for dead tiger shark in formaldehyde
CATEGORY: Indirectly Responsible For
SINGER: Dozens of crappy “Hallelujah” covers
HEDGE FUND BILLIONAIRE: Dozens of insider trading indictments
WINNER: Leonard Cohen
* * *
TIM McGRAW & FAITH HILL vs. McGRAW-HILL
CATEGORY: History
COUNTRY SINGERS: Met on tour, fell in love
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Publishers met, then merged
CATEGORY: Fan Base
COUNTRY SINGERS: Rednecks
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Public schools
CATEGORY: Bling Factor
COUNTRY SINGERS: Combined net worth $135 Million
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Sold BusinessWeek for $1
CATEGORY: Bush Family Relations
COUNTRY SINGERS: Barbara Bush on advisory board
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Criticized “humiliating” Katrina cleanup
CATEGORY: Hats
COUNTRY SINGERS: One, black
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Divisions in construction, broadcasting, education and financial services
CATEGORY: Family First
COUNTRY SINGERS: Reconciled with Hall of Fame dad
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Family owned for eight decades
CATEGORY: Wild Behavior
COUNTRY SINGERS: Admitted to sex on kitchen counter
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Sued Google
CATEGORY: Religious Views
COUNTRY SINGERS: Baptist
TEXTBOOK CONGLOMERATE: Christian (but only in Texas social study books)
WINNER: McGraw-Hill
* * *
GOLDEN GLOBES vs. GOLDEN GIRLS
CATEGORY: Premise
AWARDS CEREMONY: Poor man’s Oscars
OLD LADY SITCOM: Old ladies have sex too
CATEGORY: Reason To Watch
AWARDS CEREMONY: The celebrities get drunk
OLD LADY SITCOM: Lead-in to Empty Nest
CATEGORY: Fashion Faux Pas
AWARDS CEREMONY: Lara Flynn Boyle in a tutu
OLD LADY SITCOM: Bea Arther’s shoulder pads
CATEGORY: Recurring Jokes
AWARDS CEREMONY: The Hollywood Foreign Press
OLD LADY SITCOM: Strokes, divorces
CATEGORY: Offscreen Relationships
AWARDS CEREMONY: 2013 co-hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are actual friends
OLD LADY SITCOM: Bea Arthur called Betty White a “cunt.”
CATEGORY: British Invasions
AWARDS CEREMONY: Ricky Gervais hosted three times
OLD LADY SITCOM: U.K. spin-off Brighton Belles
CATEGORY: Rat Pack Influence
AWARDS CEREMONY: Frank, Dean and Sammy hijacked the show in 1958
OLD LADY SITCOM: Sophia calls her pillow “Dino”
CATEGORY: Weird Protests
AWARDS CEREMONY: Picketed by Westboro Baptist Church
OLD LADY SITCOM: Off-Broadway drag show shut down
WINNER: Golden Girls
* * *
THE S.E.C. vs. THE S.E.C.
CATEGORY: Purpose
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: An excuse for tail-gating
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: Regulate the markets
CATEGORY: Track Record
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: Past six national football champs
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: Ignored warnings about Madoff
CATEGORY: Top-dog Salaries
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: $5.3 million for Alabama head coach
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: $163,000 for chairman
CATEGORY: Popular Mascot
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: Uga the bulldog
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: Joe Kennedy
CATEGORY: Feminism
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: Antebellum attire for lady fans
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: First female chairman appointed in 2009
CATEGORY: Bald Eagles
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: Flying around stadium before every Auburn game
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: On logo
CATEGORY: Boring Paperwork
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: Fantasy drafts
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: Dodd-Frank regulations
CATEGORY: Toughest Opponent
THE COLLEGE SPORTS CONFERENCE: Notre Dame
THE FEDERAL AGENCY: Citigroup
WINNER: The football conference
* * *
JEAN VALIJEAN vs. JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME
CATEGORY: Nemesis
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: Police Inspector Javert
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Bipolar disorder
CATEGORY: Criminal History
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: 19 years for stealing bread
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Sued for blinding stuntman
CATEGORY: Self Improvement
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: Inspired by bishop to become better man
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Learned English from Flintstones
CATEGORY: Spending Spree Focus
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: The poor
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Cocaine
CATEGORY: Secret Love
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: Cosette
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Kylie Minogue
CATEGORY: Fatherhood
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: Adopted prostitute
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Accused of not paying child support for 7 years
CATEGORY: Self Defense
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: Changing his identity
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Kickboxing, marital arts
CATEGORY: Sensitive Side
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: Spared Javert’s life
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Studied ballet
CATEGORY: Rocky Comeback
LES MIZ PROTAGONIST: 2012 tent-pole adaptation
ACTION MOVIE STAR: Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning
WINNER: Jean Valjean
* * *
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER vs. RUDY GIULIANI
CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Luminous red nose
FORMER NYC MAYOR: Nasal lisp, comb-over
CATEGORY: Defining Disaster
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Blizzard
FORMER NYC MAYOR: 9/11
CATEGORY: Philanthropy
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Liberated Island of Misfit Toys
FORMER NYC MAYOR: Had homeless people arrested
CATEGORY: Outsourcing
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Eponymous TV special animated in Japan
FORMER NYC MAYOR: Encouraged illegal immigrants to come take New York jobs
CATEGORY: Powerful Buddy
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Santa Claus
FORMER NYC MAYOR: George W. Bush
CATEGORY: Romance History
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Saved Christmas, impressed Clarice
FORMER NYC MAYOR: Impressed Judi at a cigar bar
CATEGORY: Career Ambitions
FICTIONAL REINDEER: Join reindeer games
FORMER NYC MAYOR: U.S. Presidency
WINNER: The reindeer
* * *
MANATEE NEBULA vs. MANTI TE’O'S FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND
CATEGORY: Purpose
NEBULA: Cannibalizing gas from nearby star
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Conning Notre Dame’s star linebacker
CATEGORY: Resembles
NEBULA: Manatee floating on its back
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Marketing executive from LA
CATEGORY: Real Name
NEBULA: W50
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Ronaiah Tuiasosopo
CATEGORY: Dramatic Death
NEBULA: Supernova explosion
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: “Leukemia”
CATEGORY: Home
NEBULA: Aquila constellation
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Los Angeles
CATEGORY: Deception
NEBULA: Black hole at its core
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Actually a dude
CATEGORY: Discovered By
NEBULA: Very Large Array (VLA) radio telescope
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Deadspin.com
CATEGORY: Official Unveiling
NEBULA: Florida Manatee Festival
FICTIONAL GIRLFRIEND: Katie Couric interview
WINNER: The nebula
(These stories originally appeared, in slightly different forms, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine between December 2012 and February 2013. You can read part one of this collection by going here, part two here, part three here, and part four here.)
