Compare and Contrast (part four)
JEREMY LIN vs. RON JEREMY
CATEGORY: Signature Achievement
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: $30 million deal with NBA
THE PORN KING: Fat guy paid to have sex
CATEGORY: Special Talents
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: 109 assists and 64 turnovers
THE PORN KING: Autofellatio
CATEGORY: Measurements
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: 6’4″
THE PORN KING: 9 and 3/4 inches
CATEGORY: Position(s)
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: Point Guard
THE PORN KING: Reverse cowgirl, piledriver, et al
CATEGORY: Useless Degree
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: Economics (Harvard)
THE PORN KING: Special Ed (Queens College)
CATEGORY: Celebrity Fan
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: Spike Lee
THE PORN KING: Kid Rock
CATEGORY: Moral Conviction
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: Evangelical Christian
THE PORN KING: Campaigned against condoms in porn
CATEGORY: Humility
THE BASKETBALL SENSATION: Slept on brother’s couch
THE PORN KING: Autofellatio
WINNER: Jeremy Lin
* * *
PETRAEUS vs. PROMETHEUS
CATEGORY: Bragging Rights
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: Oversaw military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq
THE GREEK GOD: Created man from clay
CATEGORY: Woman Trouble
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: May have several mistresses
THE GREEK GOD: Responsible for Pandora, the first woman
CATEGORY: Nemesis
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: FBI
THE GREEK GOD: Zeus
CATEGORY: Hobbies
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: Physical fitness
THE GREEK GOD: Inventing mathematics
CATEGORY: Teaching Experience
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: Taught international relations at West Point
THE GREEK GOD: Inspired civilization
CATEGORY: Major Career Misstep
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: Alleged affair with biographer
THE GREEK GOD: Stealing fire and giving to humans
CATEGORY: Punishment
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: Resigned from CIA, possible military prosecution
THE GREEK GOD: An eagle feeding on his liver for eternity
CATEGORY: Book Title That Could Be Confused For Sexual Pun
THE EX-CIA DIRECTOR: All In: The Education of General David Petraeus
THE GREEK GOD: Prometheus Rising
WINNER: Prometheus
* * *
FLO RIDA vs. FLORIDA
CATEGORY: Name Origin
THE RAPPER: Home state of Florida
THE SWING STATE: Spanish for “Flowery Easter”
CATEGORY: Math Skills
THE RAPPER: Hit single “Turn Around (5, 4, 3, 2, 1)”
THE SWING STATE: Easily confused by hanging chads
CATEGORY: Inspiring Young People
THE RAPPER: Launched Youth Football League
THE SWING STATE: Two universities on Princeton Review’s 2012 top party schools list
CATEGORY: Bush Connection
THE RAPPER: Interviewed by Billy Bush
THE SWING STATE: May have gotten George W. Bush elected (twice)
CATEGORY: Disney Connection
THE RAPPER: Rumored to date Disney singer Brenda Song
THE SWING STATE: Contains Disney World
CATEGORY: Gun Enthusiasm
THE RAPPER: Songs (and personal life) mostly gun-free
THE SWING STATE: “Stand your ground” law
CATEGORY: Sacred Religious Documents Almost Burned In Protest
THE RAPPER: None
THE SWING STATE: One, the Qur’an
CATEGORY: Voted For Obama?
THE RAPPER: It’s a “private matter.”
THE SWING STATE: Maybe. Still counting.
WINNER: Flo Rida
* * *
BEASTIE BOYS vs. ROMNEY BOYS
CATEGORY: Hard Knock Beginnings
RAP TRIO: Streets of New York City
MITT OFFSPRING: $100 million trust fund
CATEGORY: Violence
RAP TRIO: Fighting for your right to party
MITT OFFSPRING: Tagg wants to “take a swing” at Obama
CATEGORY: Sexual Hyjinks
RAP TRIO: 20-foot inflatable penis at 1986 tour
MITT OFFSPRING: Spawned 15 grandchildren for Mitt
CATEGORY: Religious Activism
RAP TRIO: Opened for Madonna
MITT OFFSPRING: Mormon missionary work
CATEGORY: Charity Work
RAP TRIO: Tibetan Freedom Concert
MITT OFFSPRING: Father’s presidential campaign
CATEGORY: Subsidized Industry
RAP TRIO: Gold chains
MITT OFFSPRING: Surrogate mothers
CATEGORY: Pacifism
RAP TRIO: Protested Iraq War with “In A World Gone Mad”
MITT OFFSPRING: Avoided Iraq War by not enlisting
CATEGORY: Nemesis
RAP TRIO: Salivary gland cancer
MITT OFFSPRING: Whoopi Goldberg
WINNER: Beastie Boys
* * *
LEAN CUSINE vs. LENA DUNHAM
by Eric Spitznagel
CATEGORY: Nutritional Value
FROZEN DINNER: 300 calories or less
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Eats cupcakes in the bathtub
CATEGORY: Thriftiness
FROZEN DINNER: Most meals under $3
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Lived with parents until last June
CATEGORY: Bad Press
FROZEN DINNER: Recall for meals filled with plastic
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Accused of “casual racism”
CATEGORY: Nemesis
FROZEN DINNER: Healthy Choice
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Gawker
CATEGORY: Fashion Statement
FROZEN DINNER: Sells insulated tote bags
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Dressed as Louis CK for Halloween
CATEGORY: Literary Works
FROZEN DINNER: “Book of Truth” commercials feature non-existent book
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Rumored $3.5 million book advance
CATEGORY: Social Media
FROZEN DINNER: 684 followers on Twitter
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Tweets about napping
CATEGORY: Animal Tributes
FROZEN DINNER: Namesake dog on Jersey Shore
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Gerbil named for Gilda Radner
CATEGORY: Gratuitous Ingredient
FROZEN DINNER: Sodium
HOLLYWOOD IT GIRL: Nude scenes
WINNER: Lena Dunham
* * *
STONEHENGE vs. THE ROLLING STONES
CATEGORY: Admission
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: £7.80 (about $12.56 USD)
ROCK DINOSAURS: $600,000 online for one reunion show
CATEGORY: Age
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: Between 5000 and 6500 years old
ROCK DINOSAURS: Just turned 50
CATEGORY: Hubris
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: Supposedly built or inspired by extraterrestrials
ROCK DINOSAURS: Self-described “Greatest Rock n’ Roll Band in the World”
CATEGORY: History
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: No written records
ROCK DINOSAURS: Dozens of biographies, authorized and otherwise
CATEGORY: Creepy Factor
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: May’ve been burial ground
ROCK DINOSAURS: Keith Richards somehow not dead
CATEGORY: Sex Appeal
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: Rumored to be fertility symbol
ROCK DINOSAURS: Biographer claims Mick Jagger had 4000 lovers
CATEGORY: Embarrassing Moment
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: Spinal Tap tribute
ROCK DINOSAURS: 1986′s Dirty Work
CATEGORY: Three Dimensions
NEOLITHIC MONUMENT: Recent 3D laser scanning uncovers art carvings
ROCK DINOSAURS: 2008 Martin Scorsese 3D concert doc
WINNER: The Stones
* * *
NASA vs. NASCAR
CATEGORY: Origins
SPACE CENTER: Competitiveness with Russians
STOCK CAR RACERS: Prohibition moonshine runners
CATEGORY: Speeding Record
SPACE CENTER: New Horizons could get to Pluto in 9 and 1/2 years
STOCK CAR RACERS: Bill Elliot hit 212 mph at Talladega
CATEGORY: Littering Record
SPACE CENTER: Dozens of dead animals still floating in space
STOCK CAR RACERS: 600 burnt out tires per race
CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature of Fans
SPACE CENTER: Good at math
STOCK CAR RACERS: Farmer tans
CATEGORY: Approximate Distance to Disney World
SPACE CENTER: 60 miles
STOCK CAR RACERS: 75 miles
CATEGORY: Ugly Rumor
SPACE CENTER: Faked moon landing
STOCK CAR RACERS: Discourages African American drivers
CATEGORY: Political Embarrassments
SPACE CENTER: Newt Gingrich predicts moon colony
STOCK CAR RACERS: Fans choose Obama over Romney in polls
CATEGORY: Employee Urine Antics
SPACE CENTER: Cross-country trip in adult diaper
STOCK CAR RACERS: Son of NASCAR legend pees on woman
CATEGORY: On the Job Tragedies
SPACE CENTER: Challenger shuttle explosion
STOCK CAR RACERS: Dale Earnhardt Sr. crash
CATEGORY: Less Than Flattering Movies
SPACE CENTER: Apollo 13
STOCK CAR RACERS: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
CATEGORY: Victory Meal
SPACE CENTER: Peanuts
STOCK CAR RACERS: Milk
CATEGORY: Outsourcing
SPACE CENTER: Mars rover Curiosity
STOCK CAR RACERS: Juan Pablo Montoya
WINNER: NASA
* * *
BARCLAYS CENTER vs. CHARLES BARKLEY
CATEGORY: Absurd Statistic
CONCERT ARENA: 18,000 seats, just 500 parking spots
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Career record 20,000 points, 1 DUI arrest
CATEGORY: Epic P.R. Crisis
CONCERT ARENA: Downscaled development plans
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Said 20% of NBA fans should be shot
CATEGORY: Innovations
CONCERT ARENA: 3,000-foot LED marquee
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Pronounces “terrible” as “turrible”
CATEGORY: Jay-Z connection
CONCERT ARENA: Gave premiere concert
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Called and begged him to be in “NBA 2K12″ video game
CATEGORY: Basketball Greatness
CONCERT ARENA: Hosted the Harlem Globetrotters
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Played with the 1992 Olympic Dream Team
CATEGORY: Food Issues
CONCERT ARENA: Caviar for high-rollers
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Weight Watchers “lose weight like a man” campaign
CATEGORY: Over-rated Technology
CONCERT ARENA: Free Wi-Fi
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Admits his shoes “won’t make you handsome like me.”
CATEGORY: Attempt to Court Gay Demo
CONCERT ARENA: Two Barbra Streisand concerts
RETIRED BASKETBALL STAR: Said he’d welcome “a gay guy who can play” as teammate.
WINNER: Barcays Center
* * *
ANGELA MERKEL vs. ANGELA LANSBURY
CATEGORY: Popularity
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: 70% approval rating
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: 18 Emmy nominations, no wins
CATEGORY: School of Hard Knocks
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Grew up in communist East Germany
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: Married a bisexual at 19
CATEGORY: Rock Cred
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Used Rolling Stones song “Angie” in 2005 campaign
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: Played Elvis Presley’s mother in Blue Hawaii
CATEGORY: Communist Conspiracy
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Rumors she was a communist spy
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: Creepy role in Manchurian Candidate
CATEGORY: Mormon Friendly
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Declined chance to meet Mitt Romney
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: Performed with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
CATEGORY: Enthusiasm For Fictional Murder
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Fan of British detective drama Midsomer Murders
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: 12 seasons starring in Murder, She Wrote
CATEGORY: Career Plan B
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: Doctorate in quantum chemistry
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: 1988 exercise video
CATEGORY: Family Drama
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: “Party of the family” leader, no children
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: Daughter was Charles Manson follower
CATEGORY: Lasting Impression
GERMAN CHANCELLOR: (Maybe) saving the Eurozone
BRITISH CHARACTER ACTRESS: Hand prints at EuroDisney
WINNER: A tie!
(These stories originally appeared, in slightly different forms, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine between September and November, 2012. You can read part one of this collection by going here, part two here, and part three here.)
