Compare and Contrast (part three)
PAUL RYAN vs. RuPAUL
CATEGORY: Name origin
CONGRESSMAN: His father
DRAG QUEEN: Roux (gumbo ingredient)
CATEGORY: Early Job
CONGRESSMAN: Drove the Wienermobile
DRAG QUEEN: Danced in “Love Shack” video
CATEGORY: Intellectual Idol
CONGRESSMAN: Ayn Rand
DRAG QUEEN: Judge Judy
CATEGORY: Ironic Quirk
CONGRESSMAN: Loves Rage Against the Machine
DRAG QUEEN: Doesn’t dress up for Halloween
CATEGORY: Coronary health
CONGRESSMAN: Family history of heart disease
DRAG QUEEN: Rumors of heart attack were false
CATEGORY: Friendly Rivalries
CONGRESSMAN: Old people, immigrants
DRAG QUEEN: Milton Berle
CATEGORY: Magnum Opus
CONGRESSMAN: The Ryan budget
DRAG QUEEN: “Glamazon”
WINNER: Paul Ryan
* * *
THE HOLLAND TUNNEL VS. FRANCOIS HOLLANDE
CATEGORY: Length
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: 8,558 feet
FRENCH PRESIDENT: 5-foot-7
CATEGORY: Tolls
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: $12 cash for every car
FRENCH PRESIDENT: 75% income tax on rich
CATEGORY: Innovations
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: Mechanically ventilated
FRENCH PRESIDENT: No mistress
CATEGORY: Not-So-Cute Nickname
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: None
FRENCH PRESIDENT: “Mr Normal”
CATEGORY: Speed Limit
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: 35 M.P.H.
FRENCH PRESIDENT: Clocked at 112 M.P.H.
CATEGORY: Untrusted Neighbor
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: Hoboken
FRENCH PRESIDENT: Germany
CATEGORY: Explosions
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: Terrorist target but never hit
FRENCH PRESIDENT: Jet struck by lightning
CATEGORY: Annoying But Unavoidable Trait
UNDERGROUND TUNNEL: Rush hour traffic
FRENCH PRESIDENT: Socialist beliefs
WINNER: Le Tunnel de la Hollande
* * *
DAVID AXELROD vs. AXL ROSE
CATEGORY: Defining Feature
POLITICAL ADVISER: “Flavor saver” stache
ROCK SINGER: Bandanna
CATEGORY: Negativity
POLITICAL ADVISER: Anti-Romney attack ads
ROCK SINGER: “Slash is a cancer”
CATEGORY: Race Relations
POLITICAL ADVISER: Track record of helping black politicians get elected
ROCK SINGER: Racist rant in “One In a Million”
CATEGORY: Portent of Future Stardom
POLITICAL ADVISER: Sold campaign ads for R.F.K.
ROCK SINGER: Smoked cigarettes for UCLA study
CATEGORY: Daddy issues
POLITICAL ADVISER: Father committed suicide
ROCK SINGER: Alleged sexual abuse by dad
CATEGORY: Crowd Hostility
POLITICAL ADVISER: Booed by Romney Supporters in Boston
ROCK SINGER: Booed for skipping Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction
CATEGORY: Emo Behavior
POLITICAL ADVISER: Cried in front of Obama
ROCK SINGER: Claimed “Don’t Cry” was about him crying
CATEGORY: Professional Shortcoming
POLITICAL ADVISER: John Edwards in ’04
ROCK SINGER: Chinese Democracy
WINNER: Axl Rose
* * *
PEYTON MANNING vs. PEYTON PLACE
CATEGORY: Bragging Rights
QUARTERBACK: Four-time MVP for Indianapolis Colts
NOVEL: First book ever banned in Rhode Island
CATEGORY: Family Drama
QUARTERBACK: Beating brother in “The Manning Bowl”
NOVEL: Selena kills her father
CATEGORY: Dark Secrets
QUARTERBACK: Pre-snap gesticulations
NOVEL: Affairs, illegitimate children, abortions
CATEGORY: School Scandal
QUARTERBACK: Jersey banned in Colorado school
NOVEL: Handsy high school principal
CATEGORY: Medical Drama
QUARTERBACK: 2011 neck surgery
NOVEL: Character loses arm in carnival ride
CATEGORY: Drinking
QUARTERBACK: Gatorade spokesman
NOVEL: Author died from alcoholism at age 39
CATEGORY: Sequels
QUARTERBACK: Andrew Luck
NOVEL: Return to Peyton Place
WINNER: Peyton Manning
* * *
APPLE’S SIRI vs. SURI CRUISE
CATEGORY: Public Debut
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: 2011 “Let’s Talk iPhone” event
CELEBRITY CHILD: 2006 Vanity Fair cover
CATEGORY: Costs
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Free with iPhone
CELEBRITY CHILD: $10 million in child support
CATEGORY: Relationship with Mom
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Identity of voice actress kept secret
CELEBRITY CHILD: Mom not allowed to speak during birth
CATEGORY: Odd Behavior
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Will answer dirty questions
CELEBRITY CHILD: Precocious heel-wearing
CATEGORY: Celebrity Endorsements
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Zooey Deschanel, John Malkovich
CELEBRITY CHILD: John Travolta, Will Smith
CATEGORY: Traffic Safety
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Not recommended for use while driving
CELEBRITY CHILD: Her limo was hit by a garbage truck
CATEGORY: Inevitable Nuisance
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Hackers
CELEBRITY CHILD: Scientology stalkers
CATEGORY: Name Origin
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: A Norwegian engineer’s former co-worker
CELEBRITY CHILD: An incorrect Persian/Hebrew mashup
CATEGORY: Probable Future
VIRTUAL ASSISTANT: Replaced by new and improved app
CELEBRITY CHILD: Rich, spoiled, and pissed off
WINNER: Siri
* * *
SOULJA BOY vs. RI SOL-JU
CATEGORY: Innovation
RAPPER: Self-released music on Internet
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Seen in public
CATEGORY: Social Media
RAPPER: Twitter, YouTube, MySpace
DICTATOR’S WIFE: North Korean state television
CATEGORY: Debut
RAPPER: “Crank That” single plays on Entourage
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Kim Jong Il’s funeral
CATEGORY: WMDs
RAPPER: Guns in briefcase
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Husband’s rockets don’t work
CATEGORY: Public Displays of Emotion
RAPPER: Cried during BET awards
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Kinda smiled during photo opp
CATEGORY: Not To Be Confused With
RAPPER: Souljah Boy, another rapper
DICTATOR’S WIFE: “Excellent Horse-Like Lady” singer
CATEGORY: Former Career
RAPPER: Worked at Burger King
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Cheerleader
CATEGORY: Baby Rumors
RAPPER: Yes, unconfirmed
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Yes, unconfirmed
CATEGORY: Head-scratching Fashion
RAPPER: Cardigan
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Polka-dots
CATEGORY: Positive Attitude
RAPPER: Ignore the haters
DICTATOR’S WIFE: Don’t get sent to gulag
WINNER: Mrs. Supreme Ruler
* * *
RYAN LOCHTE vs. LOCH NESS MONSTER
CATEGORY: Age
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: 28
LAKE MONSTER: Prehistoric
CATEGORY: Sociability
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: Likes to party
LAKE MONSTER: Reclusive
CATEGORY: Ethnicity
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: German and Cuban
LAKE MONSTER: Plesiosaur
CATEGORY: Nickname
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: The Lochtenator
LAKE MONSTER: Nessie
CATEGORY: Aquatic Rival
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: Michael Phelps
LAKE MONSTER: Ogopogo, the Canadian lake monster
CATEGORY: Embarrassing Moment
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: That “Call Me, Maybe” Web video
LAKE MONSTER: Confused for an otter in a photo
CATEGORY: Gaudy Factor
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: Diamond-encrusted grill
LAKE MONSTER: Named for Busch Gardens roller coaster
CATEGORY: Relationship Status
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: Prefers “one-night stands”
LAKE MONSTER: Rides alone
CATEGORY: Pees In Water?
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: Yes, in Olympic pool
LAKE MONSTER: Probably, in Loch Ness
CATEGORY: Ugly Rumor
OLYMPIC SWIMMER: Parents are broke
LAKE MONSTER: Doesn’t exist
WINNER: The Loch Ness Monster
* * *
ANN ROMNEY vs. ANNE RAMSEY
CATEGORY: Personality
POLITICAL WIFE: Gruff, short tempered
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Gruff, short tempered
CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature
POLITICAL WIFE: Designer fish shirts
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Hunched shoulders
CATEGORY: Children
POLITICAL WIFE: Five
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Dozens, all fictional
CATEGORY: True American
POLITICAL WIFE: Married a rich guy
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Descendant of Pilgrims
CATEGORY: Annoyed By
POLITICAL WIFE: “You people.”
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Goonies
CATEGORY: Mommy Wars
POLITICAL WIFE: Criticized for being stay-at-home mom
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Almost thrown from train by Danny DeVito
CATEGORY: Health Struggle
POLITICAL WIFE: Suffers from multiple sclerosis
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Appeared in Boy in the Plastic Bubble
CATEGORY: Personal Tragedy
POLITICAL WIFE: Dancing horse mocked in election ad
CHARACTER ACTRESS: Buried in unmarked grave
WINNER: Anne Ramsey
* * *
HOPE SOLO VS. HAN SOLO
CATEGORY: Defensive Strategy
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Shot stopper
SPACE SMUGGLER: Shot Greedo first
CATEGORY: Team Player?
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Absolutely
SPACE SMUGGLER: Plays by own rules
CATEGORY: Signature Salute
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Fist-bumping
SPACE SMUGGLER: “May the Force be with you.”
CATEGORY: Awards
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: 2008 Olympic gold medal
SPACE SMUGGLER: Alderaanian Medal of Freedom
CATEGORY: Fair-haired cohort
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Abby Wambach
SPACE SMUGGLER: Luke Skywalker
CATEGORY: Dark-haired cohort
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Has partied with Vince Vaughn
SPACE SMUGGLER: Has partied with Chewbacca
CATEGORY: Kidnappers
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Her ex-con father
SPACE SMUGGLER: Boba Fett
CATEGORY: Public Shaming
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Drunk on the Today Show
SPACE SMUGGLER: Can’t get Millennium Falcon to light speed
CATEGORY: Career-ending Close Call
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Failed Olympic drug test
SPACE SMUGGLER: Frozen in carbonite
CATEGORY: Employer With Reputation for Evil
THE OLYMPIC GOALIE: Bank of America
SPACE SMUGGLER: Jabba the Hutt
WINNER: Han Solo
(These stories originally appeared, in slightly different forms, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine between August and September, 2012. You can read part one of this collection by going here, and part two here.)
