Compare and Contrast (part two)
FIG NEWTONS VS. NEWT GINGRICH
CATEGORY: Popularity
COOKIE: Third most popular cookie in the U.S.
POLITICIAN: 60% national unfavorable rating
CATEGORY: Origins
COOKIE: Ancient Egypt
POLITICIAN: Georgia
CATEGORY: Controversies
COOKIE: Dropped “fig” from name
POLITICIAN: Freddie Mac, House Banking scandal, Tiffany’s spending spree, etc. etc.
CATEGORY: Firsts
COOKIE: One of the first commercially baked products in U.S.
POLITICIAN: Divorced first wife during cancer treatment
CATEGORY: Health
COOKIE: Source of dietary fiber
POLITICIAN: Health care think tank filed for bankruptcy
CATEGORY: Kennedy Connection
COOKIE: Created by Kennedy Biscuit Factory in Cambridge, Massachusetts
POLITICIAN: Kennedy-esque “moon base” speech
CATEGORY: Adultery
COOKIE: None
POLITICIAN: At least three extramarital affairs
CATEGORY: Endorsements
COOKIE: Cookie Monster
POLITICIAN: Chuck Norris
WINNER: Fig Newtons, the cookie
* * *
MOTHER TERESA VS. TERESA GIUDICE
CATEGORY: Signature Look
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Blue and white sari
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Leopard-print bikini
CATEGORY: Financial Generosity
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Donated millions to poor
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Spent $8,800 on curtains after declaring bankruptcy
CATEGORY: Miracles
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Healed tumor in Indian woman
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Didn’t use a tampon till age 27
CATEGORY: Tables Flipped in a Blind Rage
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: None
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: At least one
CATEGORY: For the Kids
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Opened orphanages, schools, hospices for lost children
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Hosted children’s fashion show fundraiser
CATEGORY: Bombastic Critic
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Christopher Hitchens
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Caroline Manzo
CATEGORY: Marriage
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Vow of celibacy
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Cheating husband probably going to prison
CATEGORY: Best-selling Works
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: Where There Is Love, There Is God
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Fabulicious!
CATEGORY: Lifetime Honor
SAINT OF THE GUTTERS: 1979 Nobel Peace Prize
REAL HOUSEWIFE OF NEW JERSEY: Fifth place on Celebrity Apprentice
WINNER: The Blessed Mother
* * *
SHAQUILLE O’NEAL VS. SHAKE SHACK
CATEGORY: Locations
BASKETBALL GIANT: 6, most recently Boston
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: 15, most recently Kuwait City
CATEGORY: Humble Beginnings
BASKETBALL GIANT: Juvenile delinquent
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: Hot dog cart
CATEGORY: Name Origin
BASKETBALL GIANT: “Little Warrior” in Arabic
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: “Grease” musical
CATEGORY: Annoyance Factor
BASKETBALL GIANT: Rap albums
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: Long lines
CATEGORY: Hygiene
BASKETBALL GIANT: Passed on making sweat cologne
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: Paint scrapers used on griddles
CATEGORY: Calorie Intake
BASKETBALL GIANT: $110,000 monthly food budget
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: 750 calories in Double ShackBurger
CATEGORY: Dog Friendly
BASKETBALL GIANT: Recorded with Snoop Dogg
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: Frozen custard dog snacks
CATEGORY: Higher Education
BASKETBALL GIANT: Doctorate
FAST FOOD EMPIRE: Dr. Pepper
WINNER: Shaq
* * *
BENJAMIN “BIBI” NETANYAHU VS. BEBE NEUWIRTH
CATEGORY: First Job
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Israeli Defense Forces
THE ACTRESS: A Chorus Line
CATEGORY: Professional Vow
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Stop Iran uranium enrichment
THE ACTRESS: Dance every day
CATEGORY: Famous hangout
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Beit Aghion, Jerusalem
THE ACTRESS: Cheers bar, Boston
CATEGORY: Tonys
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: One: Middle East peace envoy, Tony Blair
THE ACTRESS: Two: for Chicago and Sweet Charity
CATEGORY: Unconvincing Relationship
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Allies with Obama
THE ACTRESS: Married to Nathan Lane (in Addam’s Family musical)
CATEGORY: Injuries
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Shot during Six-Day War
THE ACTRESS: Damaged hip cartilage doing Broadway musical
CATEGORY: Drugs
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Legalized medical marijuana
THE ACTRESS: Arrested at 13 for smoking pot
CATEGORY: Sex Ed
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Bureau chief sex scandal
THE ACTRESS: Blowjob lessons in Woody Allen movie
CATEGORY: Defining Moment
THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER: Bar-Ilan Speech
THE ACTRESS: Fake marriage to Frasier Crane
WINNER: “Bibi” Netanyahu
* * *
50 CENT VS. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
CATEGORY: Fanbase
RAPPER: Suburban white kids
MOMMY PORN: Suburban moms
CATEGORY: Art Imitates Life
RAPPER: Former drug dealer/gang member
MOMMY PORN: Midlife crisis “fantasy”
CATEGORY: Embarrassing Origins
RAPPER: Teenage nickname was “Boo Boo”
MOMMY PORN: Twilight fan fiction
CATEGORY: Fashion Accessory
RAPPER: Bulletproof vest
MOMMY PORN: Handcuffs
CATEGORY: Medical Endorsement
RAPPER: Dr. Dre
MOMMY PORN: Dr. Oz
CATEGORY: Multiples
RAPPER: Shot nine times
MOMMY PORN: Heroine has six orgasms
CATEGORY: Feuds
RAPPER: Ja Rule, Fat Joe, Puff Daddy, etc.
MOMMY PORN: Florida library
CATEGORY: Flagellation
RAPPER: Spanking mentioned in “Wanna Get To Know Ya”
MOMMY PORN: Yes. With a whip.
CATEGORY: Boxers or briefs?
RAPPER: Both
MOMMY PORN: Boxers
WINNER: Fiddy
* * *
RYNE SANDBERG VS. SHERYL SANDBERG
CATEGORY: Position
BASEBALL LEGEND: Hall of Fame second baseman
THE EXECUTIVE: COO at Facebook
CATEGORY: Time Logged at Losing Organization
BASEBALL LEGEND: 15 years with the Cubs
THE EXECUTIVE: 5 years at Treasury
CATEGORY: Point of Pride
BASEBALL LEGEND: .989 career fielding percentage
THE EXECUTIVE: Never misses a family meal
CATEGORY: Immortalized With Bobblehead
BASEBALL LEGEND: Yes
THE EXECUTIVE: No
CATEGORY: Retirement Plan
BASEBALL LEGEND: Manage minor-league team Lehigh Valley IronPigs
THE EXECUTIVE: Become billionaire
WINNER: Ryne Sandberg
* * *
TOMKAT VS. CAT STEVENS
CATEGORY: Philosophy
FOLK SINGER: “Peace Train”
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: Scientology
CATEGORY: Life-changing Moment
FOLK SINGER: Nearly drowns in Malibu
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: Jumps on Oprah’s couch
CATEGORY: Heritage
FOLK SINGER: Greek and Swedish
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: Dead alien souls
CATEGORY: Nemesis
FOLK SINGER: Department of Homeland Security
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: South Park
CATEGORY: Marital Status
FOLK SINGER: Still with wife by arranged marriage
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: “Irreconcilable differences”
CATEGORY: Controversy
FOLK SINGER: Pro-Salman Rushdie fatwa
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: Alleged marriage contract
CATEGORY: Feminism
FOLK SINGER: Likes his women “hard-headed”
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: No talking during childbirth
CATEGORY: Religious Conversion
FOLK SINGER: Muslim for 34 years and counting
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: No Sea Org for Suri
CATEGORY: Beard
FOLK SINGER: Yes
HOLLYWOOD COUPLE: Rumored
WINNER: Yusuf Islam
* * *
MORGAN FREEMAN VS. MORGAN STANLEY
CATEGORY: Defining Characteristic
MOVIE ACTOR: The voice
INVESTMENT BANKERS: Wealth management
CATEGORY: Hubris
MOVIE ACTOR: Played god in two movies
INVESTMENT BANKERS: “Too big to fail”
CATEGORY: Riches
MOVIE ACTOR: Oscar for Million Dollar Baby
INVESTMENT BANKERS: $100 million profit from Facebook IPO, baby
CATEGORY: Prison
MOVIE ACTOR: Shawshank
INVESTMENT BANKERS: Five years for former executive in China
CATEGORY: Something for Nothing
MOVIE ACTOR: “Honorary” degree at Brown University
INVESTMENT BANKERS: $107 billion bailout
CATEGORY: No Fan Of…
MOVIE ACTOR: Black History month
INVESTMENT BANKERS: The Federal Reserve
CATEGORY: Amateur Physics
MOVIE ACTOR: Electric Company
INVESTMENT BANKERS: Electric cars
CATEGORY: Money Struggles
MOVIE ACTOR: $72 a week for off Broadway debut
INVESTMENT BANKERS: $125,000 bonus cap
CATEGORY: Irked By
MOVIE ACTOR: ‘Married his stepdaughter’ rumors
INVESTMENT BANKERS: Occupy protestors
WINNER: Morgan Freeman
* * *
THE KENNEDYS VS. THE KARDASHIANS
CATEGORY: Reputation
THE POLITICIANS: America’s Royal Family
THE REALITY STARS: TMZ fodder
CATEGORY: Political Ambitions
THE POLITICIANS: U.S. Congress, Presidency
THE REALITY STARS: Mayor of Glendale, Calif. (Kim)
CATEGORY: Assassinations
THE POLITICIANS: Two
THE REALITY STARS: Drink thrown at Kim in NY club once
CATEGORY: Baby Naming System
THE POLITICIANS: Descendants, Catholic saints
THE REALITY STARS: The letter K
CATEGORY: Family Feud
THE POLITICIANS: Lyndon Johnson
THE REALITY STARS: Paris Hilton
CATEGORY: Water Mishaps
THE POLITICIANS: Chappaquiddick
THE REALITY STARS: Kourtney’s water broke during filming
CATEGORY: Sex Exploits Caught On Tape?
THE POLITICIANS: Nope
THE REALITY STARS: Yes, and became an Internet sensation
CATEGORY: Unnecessary Surgeries
THE POLITICIANS: Rosemary’s botched lobotomy
THE REALITY STARS: Kim’s (rumored) butt implants
CATEGORY: Embarrassing In-Law
THE POLITICIANS: Arnold Schwarzenegger
THE REALITY STARS: Kris Humphries
CATEGORY: Family Wealth
THE POLITICIANS: Stock-market, real estate, possibly bootlegging
THE REALITY STARS: Wedding and baby photos sold to tabloids
CATEGORY: Namesake
THE POLITICIANS: Library, airport, space station
THE REALITY STARS: Clothing line, $10 bottled water, sunless tanner
CATEGORY: Obama Comparison?
THE POLITICIANS: Yes
THE REALITY STARS: Weirdly, yes
WINNER: The Kennedys by a mile.
(These stories originally appeared, in slightly different forms, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine between May and July, 2012. You can read part one of this collection by going here.)
