Besides death and taxes, the other certainty in life is that Dan Brown will make a bajillion dollars from whatever he writes. You can’t be that successful (and rich) without doing something right. We took a closer look at Brown’s life and writing career, to find out if any business lessons could be gleaned from his rapidly growing literary empire.

1. If your customers like you, the critics can go #@&% themselves

Dan Brown isn’t a good writer. His sentences are clumsy and often read like something from a community college introduction to fiction class. Whether he’s writing about “the kaleidoscope of power” (The Da Vinci Code) or describing a character’s face as “a sheet of parchment paper punctured by two emotionless eyes” (Deception Point), it sometimes seems like he’s begging for mockery. (The Telegraph has already assembled a hilarious collection of Inferno‘s worst sentences, which includes the gem “gentle eyes that radiated a thoughtful calm beneath his eyebrows.”) Salman Rushdie dismissed The Da Vinci Code as “a novel so bad that it gives bad novels a bad name.” More recently, the Washington Post called his novels “500-page Mad Libs; a reader doesn’t have to worry that it will be a fun ride, just that the adverbs and proper nouns will line up in a way that honors the art form.” And yet the louder the critics laugh and declare his mediocrity, the more books he sells. Either readers don’t care about sloppy prose, or they just really, really hate snarky, smarty-pants critics.

2. To foster creativity, you must live in misery

We all know being creative is hard work, but Brown takes it a step further. For him, the suffering of creativity isn’t metaphorical; he literally suffers for his art. Brown, who calls an author’s life “awful” and a “brutal existence,” has a unique way to pass the time when he’s paralyzed by writer’s block. He puts on a pair of “gravity boots” attached to metal stirrups and hangs upside down, letting the blood rush to his head until he either gets an idea or passes out. “Hanging upside down seems to help me solve plot challenges by shifting my entire perspective,” he once admitted. Although he’s used the method while writing several books—including The Da Vinci Code, which went on to sell 80 million copies—it doesn’t make a lot of medical sense. Hanging upside down causes your brain capillaries to expand and leads to light-headedness, which isn’t exactly the perfect mental state for clear thinking. But then again, it may explain some of Brown’s wacky prose.

3. Make yourself distant and conspicuously unavailable

Most authors, even very popular authors, are expected to do at least the bare minimum of promotion when a new book comes out. That could be anything from talk show appearances (The Daily Show hosts many authors) to book signings and/or readings. Dan Brown does none of that. To promote Inferno, he’s making just one public appearance, at New York’s Lincoln Center. The roughly hour-long event will be live streamed to 140 universities, libraries, and bookstores across the U.S., where Brown will charm virtually thousands of book-buying customers in one fell swoop. And then he’ll be gone. Does his elusiveness make him seem more desirable or even mythical? Could be. It worked for J.D. Salinger and the Great and Powerful Oz.

4. Stand by your facts—even if they’re wrong

Brown has said it takes up to two years to write his books because he does so much research. But based on the hit-or-miss results, most of that research was apparently done on Wikipedia. Bart D. Ehrman, a professor of religious studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, claimed that all the alternative history in Da Vinci Code, from the Dead Sea Scrolls being Christian to Mary Magdalene’s alleged sexy times with Jesus, were all “part of (Brown’s) fiction.” (Brown disagreed but didn’t put up a fight, saying only “Let the biblical scholars and historians battle it out.”) Will Brown get as many of his facts wrong about Dante’s epic poem in Inferno? Possibly, but Brown is already coming out in the defensive. “Fact,” he writes in the preface. “All artwork, literature, science, and historical references in this novel are real.” Eugenio Giani, the president of the Italian Dante Society, isn’t expecting the best. “Dante experts have warned me to beware of Brown,” he told the Guardian, “but I am not afraid.” What matters most to him is that Brown’s readers with disposable income are inspired to visit Italy. “Tourism is down in Florence by 10%,” Giani says. “If this new book does well, we will get that 10% back.”

5. Embrace your inner nerd

Brown understands something fundamental about humanity. Somewhere deep inside everybody is a puzzle nerd just waiting to come out. Brown’s books allow his fans to solve puzzles and decode hidden symbols while pretending to read literature. Inferno may very well be his pièce de résistance when it comes to math homework. The title was revealed in January via an elaborate puzzle in which everybody with a Twitter or Facebook account could participate. All you had to do was post something on social media using the hashtag #DanBrownToday, and your profile image was added to a growing digital mosaic, which slowly revealed the new book’s title. It was like a flash mob, but a thousand times geekier. Even the publication date was a riddle waiting to be discovered: 5/14/13, when reversed, is 3.1415, or the first five digits of pi, the mathematical constant. Did you know that already, you tremendous nerd? That’s okay, you’re not alone. Dan Brown is a billionaire because his books are like the Bejeweled cellphone app, but in hardcover.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in Bloomberg BusinessWeek.)

CATEGORY: Grew Up In….
COMEDIAN: Mexico City
KING OF FRANCE: Versailles

CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature
COMEDIAN: Ginger goatee
KING OF FRANCE: Powdered wig

CATEGORY: Frequent Collaborator
COMEDIAN: Chris Rock
KING OF FRANCE: Marie Antoinette

CATEGORY: Favorite Extracurricular Activity
COMEDIAN: Masturbation
KING OF FRANCE: Hunting

CATEGORY: Finances
COMEDIAN: Self-employed, releases own specials
KING OF FRANCE: Bungled France’s economic crisis

CATEGORY: Relationship Status
COMEDIAN: Happily divorced
KING OF FRANCE: Married second cousin

CATEGORY: Controversial Ally Of…
COMEDIAN: Daniel Tosh
KING OF FRANCE: American Revolutionaries

CATEGORY: Career Misstep
COMEDIAN: Lucky Louie
KING OF FRANCE: Beheading by guillotine

WINNER: Louis C.K.

ERIC CANTOR vs. ERIC CARTMAN

CATEGORY: Big Ambition
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Speaker of the House
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Puberty

CATEGORY: Ethnicity
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Jewish
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Construction paper

CATEGORY: Debut
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Virginia House of Delegates
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: “Jesus vs. Frosty”

CATEGORY: Leadership Skills
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Delayed disaster relief
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Shouting “Respect my authoritah!”

CATEGORY: Uphill Battle
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Debugging the tax code
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Impersonating Hitler

CATEGORY: Living in Denial
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Voted against fiscal cliff bill
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Thinks he’s “big boned” not fat

CATEGORY: Stance on homosexuality
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Opposes gay marriage
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Fond of homoerotic pranks

CATEGORY: Out of Character
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Listens to rap
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: A Schindler for neighborhood cats

CATEGORY: Party Pooper
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Scolded staffers for swimming in Sea of Galilee
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Tricked kid into eating his own parents

WINNER: Eric Cartman

POPE BENEDICT XVI vs. SIXTEEN CANDLES

CATEGORY: Legacy
THE FORMER PONTIFF: First pope to resign in 600 years
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: 80s hair

CATEGORY: Controversy
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Member of Hitler Youth
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Alleged date rape scene

CATEGORY: Religion
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Roman-Catholic
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Church is a place to get picked up by cute boys

CATEGORY: Asian Relations
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Never visited Asia, despite several invitations
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Long Duk Dong

CATEGORY: Red
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Papal shoes
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Porsche

CATEGORY: Social Media Compromised
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Vatican deleted his Tweets
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: “Sex Test” confiscated

CATEGORY: Anxiety-Inducing Coming Event
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Easter
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Ginny’s wedding

CATEGORY: Role of Virginity
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Job Requirement
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Waiting for Jake

CATEGORY: Classic Quote
THE FORMER PONTIFF: “I too hope in this short reign to be a man of peace.”
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: “Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?”

WINNER: Sixteen Candles

SETH MACFARLANE vs. SETH

CATEGORY: Unlikely Accomplishment
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Lived 912 years
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Hosting the Oscars

CATEGORY: Reason for Fame
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Adam and Eve’s third son
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Ripping off the Simpsons

CATEGORY: Passion
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Astronomy
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Spray-on tans

CATEGORY: Famous Relative
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Jesus Christ
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Mayflower passenger William Brewster

CATEGORY: Narrowly Averted Disaster
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Brother-on-brother murder
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Almost on 9/11 flight

CATEGORY: Family Values
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Married his sister
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Protested by parents watchdog group

CATEGORY: Epic Fail
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Knights of Seth
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: The Flintstones

WINNER: Seth

MARISSA MAYER vs. JOHN MAYER

CATEGORY: Self-Inflicted Controversy
THE YAHOO CEO: Banned telecommuting
THE POP GUITARIST: Penis is a “white supremacist”

CATEGORY: Priorities
THE YAHOO CEO: God, family and Yahoo “in that order.”
THE POP GUITARIST: Stop doing “dumb interviews.”

CATEGORY: Publicly Courting
THE YAHOO CEO: Twitter exec Katie Jacobs Stanton
THE POP GUITARIST: Singer Katy Perry

CATEGORY: Denials
THE YAHOO CEO: Not a feminist
THE POP GUITARIST: Didn’t kiss a dude at a Palm Springs gay club

CATEGORY: Exes
THE YAHOO CEO: Former “employee number 20″ at Google
THE POP GUITARIST: Called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm”

CATEGORY: Parenting Credibility
THE YAHOO CEO: Private nursery for her son at Yahoo HQ
THE POP GUITARIST: Wrote “Daughters” about girls with daddy issues

CATEGORY: Future Plans
THE YAHOO CEO: Try not to be the sixth Yahoo CEO fired in less than six years
THE POP GUITARIST: Jam at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony

WINNER: Marissa Mayer

LAUREN CONRAD vs. CONRAD MURRAY

CATEGORY: Passion
REALITY STAR: Fashion design
PHYSICIAN: Propofol

CATEGORY: Artistic Pursuits
REALITY STAR: Writing novels
PHYSICIAN: Serenading Anderson Cooper

CATEGORY: Claim to Infamy
REALITY STAR: Gave Heidi Montag a career
PHYSICIAN: May’ve killed Michael Jackson

CATEGORY: Internet Savvy
REALITY STAR: Runs several websites
PHYSICIAN: Thanked supporters on YouTube

CATEGORY: Hefty Paychecks
REALITY STAR: $125,000 per episode for The Hills
PHYSICIAN: $150,000 a month for Michael Jackson tour

CATEGORY: Twitter Followers
REALITY STAR: 3,034,380
PHYSICIAN: 3842

CATEGORY: Critical Consensus
REALITY STAR: “She’s just become irrelevant” – Perez Hilton
PHYSICIAN: “A disgrace to the medical profession” – Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor

CATEGORY: Current Residence
REALITY STAR: Beverly Hills penthouse
PHYSICIAN: Los Angeles County jail

WINNER: Lauren Conrad

TYRESE vs. TYRION LANNISTER

CATEGORY: Nickname
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Black-Ty
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: The Imp

CATEGORY: Career Obstacle
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Grew up in Watts
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: A Dwarf

CATEGORY: Lucky Break
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Cast in Coca-Cola commercial
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Born into royalty

CATEGORY: Powerful Ally
THE ACTOR/MODEL: John Singleton
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Lord Tywin

CATEGORY: Beneficence Towards…
THE ACTOR/MODEL: … inner city children
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: … prostitutes

CATEGORY: Last of a Dying Breed
THE ACTOR/MODEL: MTV VJ
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Hand of the King

CATEGORY: Unimpeachable Talent
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Six-pack abs
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Blackmail

CATEGORY: Biggest Fear
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Owls
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Getting beheaded

WINNER: Tyrion Lannister

J.J. ABRAMS vs. JIMMIE “J.J.” WALKER

CATEGORY: Pop Culture Contribution
THE DIRECTOR: Revamping sci-fi classics
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Saying “Dy-no-mite!”

CATEGORY: Treasured Memento
THE DIRECTOR: An unopened box from Tannen’s
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Silver dollar from Mickey Mantle

CATEGORY: Tropical Fixation
THE DIRECTOR: Lost
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Walk-on role on Fantasy Island

CATEGORY: Stance on Gay Rights
THE DIRECTOR: Cast first gay Spock
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Opposes gay marriage

CATEGORY: Radicalism
THE DIRECTOR: Felicity’s haircut
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Official stand-up for Black Panthers

CATEGORY: Musical Contributions
THE DIRECTOR: Played keyboards in song about movie explosions
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Commercials for 8-tracks

CATEGORY: Obama, Pro or Con?
THE DIRECTOR: Attended George Clooney fundraiser
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Didn’t vote for Obama, twice

CATEGORY: Last Great Movie
THE DIRECTOR: Star Trek (2009)
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Let’s Do It Again (1975)

WINNER: J.J. Abrams

CYPRUS vs. CYPRESS HILL

CATEGORY: Official Language
THE ISLAND NATION: Greek
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Spanglish

CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature
THE ISLAND NATION: 300 hours of sunshine a year
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Nasal rapping

CATEGORY: Favorite Indulgence
THE ISLAND NATION: Halloumi cheese
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Cannabis

CATEGORY: Financial Planning
THE ISLAND NATION: Take hefty percentage from bank depositors
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Shouting “Dollar bill y’all, dollar bill y’all!”

CATEGORY: Breakout Star
THE ISLAND NATION: Aphrodite
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Mellow Man Ace

CATEGORY: Long Lines For…
THE ISLAND NATION: … ATMs
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: … Smokeout Festival

CATEGORY: Mental Health
THE ISLAND NATION: New laws for mental patients established in 1997
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Insane in the membrane (insane in the brain)

WINNER: Cypress Hill

MICHAEL JORDAN vs. JORDAN

CATEGORY: Career High
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Six NBA titles
THE COUNTRY: Liberated from Britain in 1923

CATEGORY: Career Low
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Owns Charlotte Bobcats, losingest team in NBA
THE COUNTRY: Loses Jerusalem to Israel

CATEGORY: Better in Theory Than Practice
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Baseball career
THE COUNTRY: Democracy

CATEGORY: Dictatorial Tendencies
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Governed by monarchy
THE COUNTRY: Hitler ‘stache in Hanes commercial

CATEGORY: Exports
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Air Jordan sneakers
THE COUNTRY: Human trafficking

CATEGORY: Not Fooling Anyone With….
THE BASKETBALL ICON: …. shaved head
THE COUNTRY: …. open elections

CATEGORY: Olympic medals
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Two
THE COUNTRY: Zero

CATEGORY: Infidelity
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Paid mistress $250,000 in hush money
THE COUNTRY: Adulterers get three years in prison

CATEGORY: Nerdiness
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Space Jam
THE COUNTRY: King Abdullah II is a Trekkie

CATEGORY: Unemployment
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Retired, changed mind, retired again, changed mind again
THE COUNTRY: 13.1 percent unemployment rate

WINNER: Michael Jordan

(These stories originally appeared, in slightly different forms, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine between February and May 2013. You can read part one of this collection by going here, part two here, part three here, part four here, and part five here.)

I called Saget — who’s preparing for a big summer tour, beginning June 7 in San Francisco — and talked to him about what you’d expect Saget would talk about: testicles, Disneyland, and John Stamos.

Whenever I interview you, I’m reminded of that scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen is on a first date with Diane Keaton and he says, “Let’s kiss now and get it over with it.”

You want to kiss me?

No, I want you to get right to the horrible sex jokes.

Oh, okay, I get you. You want me to say something incredibly invasive and disturbing that I’ll feel bad about later?

Exactly. Let it out in one big Tourettian spew. Say all the terrible things swimming near the surface of your subconscious.

I’m not the dirty weird bastard people think I am. They walk up to me and show me pictures on their phone, and it’ll be either sexual or bathroom-related. And I’m like, “Dude, I can’t look at that.”

Not even a peek?

It depends what it is. I am basically just a nine-year-old boy that evolved. But I don’t want to see pictures of your poop. People do that and they think it’s funny. I don’t think they’re getting what I’m all about.

When you say something dirty, it seems like there are two halves of your personalities. One half is holding on for dear life and hoping the other half doesn’t go to the bad place.

It really is like that. It’s one side of a body trying to turn off the other side. It’s like that Steve Martin movie, All of Me, where you have two people inside your body. “I’m a really good person/Oh God, I forgot I was talking to you about your testicles.” I’m just glad I’m not the host of The Price Is Right.

Because that could’ve happened?

My name gets thrown around for these things because I know how to host. But when that job came up and they were going through names, it was mutually agreed that I wasn’t the right person. Drew Carey is great. He has amazing self-control.

What does he want to say that he isn’t saying?

Drew has a dirty mind. Every time some contestant comes up, you can see it in his face. He wants to say something terrible like, “What’s wrong with your tits?” It’s a good gig for him. I couldn’t do it. But I’ve got nice things coming up. I’m writing a book. I’m finding out how hard writing is.

Is it going to be an essay book or a memoir?

It’s kind of like my standup in book form. It’s being published by Harper Collins, and I’m writing it all by myself. It has some memoir in it, and a lot about comedy and death in my life and how they intersect.

So you’re going to get dark?

It’s dark. It has a lot of darkness in it. I just finished a chapter about losing two sisters. And then I do irreverent stuff about it because it kind of gets me through it. Some of it is gallows humor. You lose somebody that you can’t imagine losing, and then people come over to your house, trying to give you solace, and say, “I don’t know how I’m going to live without her. Is there food?” I’ve had so much sadness in my family, but there is always humor in the sadness. These things exist simultaneously.

That sounds kinda amazing.

And then there’s stuff about my balls.

Well of course there is.

There’s quite a bit in the book about my balls. More than there should be. That is one of my editor’s notes. He sent me an e-mail that just said, “I really think there is too much penis and balls.”

That’s a good note.

I’ve never heard that from a man before.

Is there a chapter devoted to John Stamos’s balls?

I don’t mention his balls ever. But I do mention him. I also mention him in the special, talking about when he had the mullet, and his saucer matched the teacup, if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean.

His penis looked like ZZ Top smoking a blunt.

Is that true or are you kidding?

I’ve never seen him naked. I had plenty of opportunities, like in gym locker rooms. But if I’d looked, it would have done permanent damage to my psyche. He sends me pictures of his dick ever day, but I won’t look. Dave Coulier, however — I’ve seen him naked constantly because he enjoys it.

How does he enjoy it?

He does it to make us laugh. Like some people do balloon tricks at a party, but he does it with his balls.

You’re going to have to give me an example.

I had a birthday party in Vegas, with Stamos and six buddies. We’re in the bowling suite at the Palms, and Dave Coulier took off his clothes and sat on the bowling alley. He pulls up — he’s going to get mad that I told this story — he sat on the bowling alley naked with his legs spread and pulled his ball sack up over his unit. I guess you call that the Turtle.

Some people would call that oversharing.

Yeah. I don’t care for it. But I’ve been around comedians who take out their dick and ask, “What do you think?” I’m like, “It’s fine, put it away.” And they kind of want that response.

You’ve known comics who do this? Can you give me a name?

Milton Berle.

Okay, that makes sense.

He was known to have the biggest penis around. I went to his 90th birthday… or 85th, I forget. He said, “Do you want to see it?” I said no. He said, “You know what I’m talking about, right?” I said “Yes, but I really don’t want to see it.” And the late great Red Buttons says, “Milton’s dick is so big, it has a sun deck on it.”

Dick jokes are always funnier when old guys say them.

These guys were making jokes like that for years. Don Rickles, God bless him — he’s like a dad to me, by which I mean we never speak. No, that’s not true, he’s a great man — he was telling me the other day, “We talk the way you guys talk, but not for a living. We didn’t do it onstage. Even at the roasts we didn’t do it.”

I need to ask you about John Stamos again.

About his balls?

No, about Thanksgiving. He posted an Instagram photo of the two of you spending Thanksgiving together, wearing bowler hats and seemingly singing a duet. Was that staged? Please say it wasn’t staged.

No, that was real. I was at his house. We put on hats and we sang. He’s a pretty great friend. It’s kind of amazing what a great friend he is. And I like singing.

What songs? Wait, don’t tell me. “Kokomo,” right? It was “Kokomo.”

No, but you’re close. We were singing Beatles songs. He had a Beatles book, so we were just going through them. His mother was there, my mother was there. We had ladies we no longer talk to, which is good.

It was hard to tell by the photo if it was an organic thing that just spontaneously happened.

It was totally organic. I had a couple of drinks and I was really happy, so we were singing. He’s got a band room. It’s so Uncle Jesse and The Rippers. He’s a great drummer and he can play guitar and he has all these friends that were in the Beach Boys, and they are always there when he has a party and I get to sing for three hours and people stare and leave as quickly as they can.

That’s… really weird.

[Laughs.] I know. But it was a fun Thanksgiving.

It’s sweet that you guys still hang out.

We hang out all the time. Here’s a funny story: Stamos and I were on Main Street in Disneyland. He’s a Disney-phile. He’s got a real problem. So we’re standing next to Winnie the Pooh, and all these little kids are coming over and their parents are saying, “There’s Uncle Jesse and Danny from Full House!” But nobody was coming over to Pooh.

Winnie got snubbed?

Totally snubbed. So I said to Winnie, “I’m sorry, man. Apparently John and I are bigger than Pooh.”

The truth hurts.

It does. I felt bad about saying it.

It’s not your fault he’s not as famous as you are.

He’ll get there. Maybe the light was hitting him bad. He needed to be blow-dried. He needed a little carpet cleaner. A furry is a furry, no matter what you do.

Do you go to Disneyland a lot?

I’m such a Disneyland freak. I can’t take my mom anymore because pushing around a wheelchair just gets annoying after awhile. I just drop her in the Jungle Cruise water. I don’t take her to the dock, I dump her in. “Hey mom, it’s a Small World,” and she’s floating behind the boat.

If I was at Disneyland and I saw you in the crowd, it would freak me out.

No it wouldn’t.

Yeah, it really would.

Even if I had kids with me?

It depends. Are they your kids?

Most of the time I’m with my kids, or I rent children, or I just pick up some kids. A great place is a bowling alley. You go, there’s a tournament, and you say, “Wanna come with me?” Do you have kids?

Um.

I’m not going to take them!

I have a two-year-old.

If you go to Disney, try to get hooked up so you don’t have to wait in those lines. Because it smells like ass everywhere. That’s what happens if you wait in line all day in the summer. And people come there from all over the world. There’s some big people and it just smells like bag everywhere.

And we’re back to testicles.

For me, that was my motivation for the whole conversation. In the special, I say… I can’t remember if this is in there, I think it is. When I was born, I came out balls first and the doctor slapped it, and I’ve been doing that ever since. But anyway, getting back to your kid.

Here we go.

There’s my comedy in a nutshell.

From kids to testicles and back again.

But seriously, I do want to get back to your kid. In fact, could I spend some time with your kid? The California Adventure has a Cars ride, and I think four- or five-year-olds can go on it, if the height works. Girl or boy?

Boy.

Great. Once he’s old enough, you’ll be able to take him on it. I almost wanted to have another kid just so I could take it on that ride. And then get rid of it. “I just wanted to have you to this point. And you saw the ride. Good luck. Here’s your graduation pin. Here’s a couple extra sweaters. And here’s a Bob Saget T-shirt. I had it made extra-small, for you, son.”

If I can awkwardly change the subject.

Please do.

You’re performing at Bonnaroo this summer.

Yeah, it’s hilarious. I’ve never done it. I’ve been asked to do it a bunch, but I never did it because it wasn’t in my wheelhouse at the time. Louis Black kept telling me to do it. “You’re going to love it! C’mon, we’ll go together!” And he’s not there this year, which is a bummer. I’ve always loved him. But they have really good people.

David Cross, Reggie Watts.

Daniel Tosh, Ed Helms. And also Paul McCartney.

He’s not doing standup, I hope.

He could. And it’d probably be awesome.

Is this your first time performing in a tent?

No, I performed in tents in World War II when we were trying to get out of the Holocaust. Also, my dad was in intensive care and I was inside that tent for a while. I’ve done tents. Up in New Haven, there are all those really pretty places where they have shows and it’s a couple thousand people outdoors, on the water. Very family-friendly stuff.

And they hire you?

I don’t do the dirty stuff when there are kids in the audience. Wait, are there kids at Bonnaroo? Is there an age limit? Do you have to be 18 or older?

I have no idea. I don’t think there’s an age limit.

I don’t want kids in the tent. I’ll get confused if I see a 10-year-old. I won’t go blue. One night a while ago… about six years ago… no, 10 years ago. Sorry.

Are you drunk right now?

A little. No, I’m not. You’ll never believe this story, and you probably won’t use it.

Try me.

I did a Disney Cruise.

Oh, boy.

I did two shows on this Disney Cruise with Kermit the Frog. And I didn’t go blue. There were kids there, so I did my act without any of the dirty stuff. Well, okay, there was one thing. I did something from my act called “Danny Tanner Was Not Gay,” which is sung to the tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” Two guys in the audience were offended by it.

Well, sure.

But there’s no cursing. I was just saying everybody on Full House was gay, which is… I mean, that’s not a surprise to anybody, is it? Anyway, during one of the shows the lights went out. The ship had a complete power failure. And Kermit and I didn’t have microphones. It was dark and scary, and I’m thinking about Titanic. And then Kermit and I just start talking to each other. He’s like, “How’re you doing? You okay?” And I’m like, “I’m okay. How are you, Kermit?”

You were talking to the puppet?

Yeah. Not the guy with his hand up the puppet’s ass. The puppet. The lights are out, the microphones are dead, everybody’s scared, and I’m talking to a puppet. It was quite weird.

That’s a sweet story. Not at all what I was expecting.

What were you expecting?

I don’t know. I was bracing for a muppet handjob.

Well sure, that happened later. Back in Kermit’s cabin. Not during the show. We’re professionals. [Groans.] Oh God, why did I say that? I already hate myself for saying that.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, on Esquire.com.)

To celebrate their 40th anniversary, Priest is releasing the concert film Epitaph, a document of their last world tour. You could buy it on DVD on May 28, but don’t do that. A better idea would be to see it in a theater, with other metal fans, or just guys who like dressing in leather and singing along to “Turbo Lover.” (Don’t judge!) There’s an exclusive screening in New York City at the Clearview Chelsea tomorrow (May 14) and then on Wednesday at London’s Forum in Kentish Town. Or wait till Thursday, May 16, when you can see it…. well, almost everywhere. Screenings are planned in Denver, Colorado and Cleveland, Ohio. (Sorry, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, and the entire state of California.) Were you planning a trip to Worcester, MA or Bridgeport, CT this week? Don’t forget to pack your leather vests and studded belts. You’re gonna need ‘em.

I called Halford, who’s cooler at 61 than you were at 25, to talk about the vigilante possibilities of his quadri-octave voice, being the most metal guy in the gay-borhood, and of course, devil tridents.

The first thing I noticed about Epitaph is that you’re wearing an outfit that looks like something from Game of Thrones.

I came first. [Laughs.]

Those spikes on your shoulders look really dangerous.

Yeah, there’s a no-go area close to the Metal God.

Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction that resulted in somebody needing a tetanus shot?

It came close. I wore that same outfit on American Idol a few years ago. Before we went on, Steven Tyler came over to say hello. We were chuckling away and somebody says “Let’s do a picture.” I put my arm around him and he flinches and pulls away. He’s like, “You nearly took my eye out!” My jacket is like the rifle from Christmas Story, but with spikes.

Are the metal spikes really necessary? You’re not having to defend Judas Priest shows from Orcs, are you?

Thank goodness, no. But the thing about Priest is, we’ve always tried to make as strong a visual statement as we have with the music coming out of the speakers. If you go back through the history of the visual side of heavy metal, Judas Priest as the starting point for that whole heavy metal look.

Is the leather-and-spikes look just a stage persona, or is it something you’d wear to a family barbecue or a friend’s baby baptism?

I’ve often been tempted to put that outfit on and push my trolley cart around Ralph’s on a Sunday, just to see what the reaction would be. But in my neck of the woods — I’m in the Gay-borhood — they’d think I was just another preening drag queen in the fruit section.

Speaking of the Gay-borhood.

Do you live there?

No, but I have a lot of friends in that zip code. With the costumes you’ve worn over the years, it’s amazing you had to officially come out of the closet.

Yes, that’s true.

I mean, go to one gay pride parade and you’ll be like, “Oh yeah, that’s a leather daddy. That’s it’s own gay subculture.”

There was a little bit of a discussion about that when I came out, many years ago in New York. But the fact of the matter is, that strong look — the leather, the chains, the whips, the handcuffs — was also synonymous with that really loud, heavy, aggressive, intense music.

Not at all. And I think that’s been reinforced over and over again. Metal heads are just as articulate and passionate about their music, and smart and funny as any other music fan. I was absolutely bowled over by the wonderful way that my personal story was accepted. Quite frankly I didn’t expect anything else.

Your ability to hit high notes is legendary. You purportedly have a four octave vocal range. Have you run tests on it?

I don’t personally know if it’s true, but there are people with more classical knowledge than I do who’ve said I have a four octave range, which is extraordinary. I think it’s more like a three now. I’m pretty sure I’ve dropped to three.

You lost an octave in middle age?

I’m not absolutely certain, but it feels like it. Even three is a blessing. Being a singer is not like playing guitar, where the more you play the more efficient you become. The voice is what you’ve got. So I’ve always been grateful that I have these vocal chords that can really push past certain limits. And that’s given Priest many opportunities to do songs that we’d never be able to explore otherwise.

Have you caused property damage with your high notes? Ever shattered a window with the awesome power of your metal voice?

Before I answer that, I want to ask a personal question of your particular age, but I don’t want to be rude.

That’s not rude at all. I’m in my mid-40s.

Do you remember a very famous Ella Fitzgerald cassette tape commercial where she’d sing and it would crack the glass?

Oh yeah, the Memorex one.

Memorex, right! [Laughs.] I used to love those tapes.

They were great. “Is it live….”

“…. Or is it Memorex?” Greatest advertising slogan ever.

MTV Hive is going to be very happy with this interview.

You think so?

Oh yeah. My exact assignment was “See if you can get him talking about Memorex commercials from the ’70s.”

We’ve just alienated anyone below a certain age, haven’t we?

If there’s one thing that lights up the Internet, it’s old guys talking about cassette tapes.

Well, you brought up the voice.

Yes, yes, you were saying, about the commercials.

My point was, unlike those Memorex ads, I’ve never shattered windscreens and television sets. But it’s often been rumored that the only animal affected by the Metal God’s voice are dogs. Because I hit that high pitched note and dogs can hear it.

There’ve been a few Priest songs with notes that could probably take down a criminal.

Which one?

I was thinking “Victim of Changes.”

Ah yes, good choice.

That part at the end where you’re screaming “No, no, no,” you could stop a mugger in his tracks.

Yeah! That would be really cool, to hear me screaming that song while chasing after a purse-snatcher down a dark alley.

You grew up in Birmingham, a steel manufacturing town in the U.K.

Yeah. It was a bit like Pittsburgh, a bit like Detroit. Very industrial, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth, hard-working people. I feel very fortunate that I was raised in that type of environment.

Your dad worked in the metal industry?

He did, yeah. My lovely dad. He passed away last year.

Yeah, I guess you could say that. [Laughs.] I never thought of it that way before. It’s one of the great mysteries of life. It’s wonderful.

In a weird way, you followed in his metaphorical footsteps.

I did, yes. It’s funny, everything about my childhood was within the context of the steel industry, particularly my high school years. I used to walk the three miles to school from my home and pass the metal foundry. Bits of metal grit would get into your eyes. Our desks at school would literally shake because of the steam hammers next door. I can still remember those big furnaces. You could actually see the metal being poured out into the ingots. That was happening to me when I was about 13 or 14 years of age.

Have you ever thought about making a Judas Priest concept album about your upbringing?

Hmm.

It could be like Pink Floyd’s The Wall, but less whiny and with more sinister-looking factories spewing hot liquid metal.

You’re giving me ideas now.

Please make this happen.

You are probably aware that we had some fantastic moments with the Nostradamus concept album. We’re hoping very much that at some point we can tie that into a theater production.

You want to do a Broadway show?

Well sure. It’s got all of the ingredients. It seems very much like a heavy-metal opera. There’s definitely an opportunity. I think it would translate quite well.

Speaking of Nostradamus, you do a face-melting version of “Prophesy” in Epitaph.

Thank you.

Which is only made more awesome by the devil’s trident you’re holding while singing it. Did that come from your own collection?

My own trident collection? No.

Where do you get a trident? Do you have a place? Who’s your trident salesman?

Ray Brown, our costume designer, came up with most of that look. The extraordinary silver cape was his idea. The trident was presented to me in rehearsal. I think there was a little bit of a discussion. I said “I want to look like a heavy metal Gandalf.”

Mission accomplished.

I think I told Ray, I can’t walk around with a big piece of wood going “None shall pass.” I mean, you know, something of the equivalent. So one of our crew designed that staff. The Priest emblem goes way back to the cross that the Sad Wings of Destiny angel is wearing on the album cover. We kind of took that from the ’70s and brought it into the 2000s.

During the ’80s and ’90s, metal bands like Priest, Metallica and Ozzy were blamed for provoking teenagers with low self esteem to do bad things. In hindsight, does it make sense why metal as a genre was so frequently a scapegoat?

I approach this topic with a tinge of sadness, because unfortunately those incidents have always come out of this wonderful country, the United States. A country that has been so wonderful to Judas Priest and many other metal acts from different parts of the world.

Blaming metal for stupid behavior is unique to the States? I didn’t know that.

Circumstances like those have never happened in Europe, never in South America, never in the Far East. When metal has been blamed for violence, it’s only happened in the States. I don’t mean to sound bitter about that. It’s just a reality, and it makes me really sad.

It’s been awhile since metal was considered a public menace. Has the music changed, or is it just less threatening to mainstream America now?

Metal hasn’t changed. Metal is still the same. It hasn’t changed at all, or at least the essence of it hasn’t changed. But I do think the culture has changed. If you’re on the outside and don’t got a clue about metal, then I don’t see how you can have an opinion until you’ve discussed it and investigated it. And those types of attacks generally came from people who were in the dark. It’s a natural human instinct to put up a wall when you’re afraid of something. You immediately go into protection mode. You don’t let things come in.

Here’s a hypothetical: you’re teaching at one of those rock n’ roll fantasy camps. What advice do you give? What are the ingredients of an iconic metal frontman? Is it all about the voice? The attitude? The codpiece?

I think first and foremost you really need to have a hunger for it. It’s something that is out of your control. It is a very demanding type of commitment. Everybody wants to be famous today, and that’s not good enough. You need talent, you need the gift. If you’ve got a good voice, and you sound different enough from other singers, and you surround yourself with equally talented and likeminded musicians who have the same dreams and ideas that you have, and you work hard to be original, then you might just get lucky.

Okay…. how about some encouraging advice?

Encouraging?

Like, “Can you drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and still drive the tour van? Then you’re on the road to riches.” That kind of thing.

It’s not about getting drunk and having fun. It’s show business. For every thousand bands, there are maybe one or two who become successful. That shouldn’t be a deterrent. First and foremost, don’t do it to become famous. It’s about loving the rock n’ roll, and if you manage to stay around long enough, there’ll be a gravy train.

A gravy train of booze and free sex?

More like a gravy train of coolness. If you get to a certain level, you’ll have a guy on your tour whose job is to make you a devil’s trident. I don’t know if it gets cooler than that.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, on MTVHive.com.)

It’s been six years since Guest made a movie, and there were rumors he’d retired from the mockumentary game altogether. But this weekend he returns with a vengeance, making his TV debut with Family Tree, an eight-episode series about a divorced and jobless British loser (Bridesmaids‘ Chris O’Dowd) searching for his roots. I won’t give too much away, other than to say it involves at least one woman who believes dinosaurs still exist, and the word “Chinesity.”

I called Guest to talk about Family Tree — which premieres this Sunday night on HBO — and tried to resist the urge to ask him the same questions he’s been asked a million times about This Is Spinal Tap. We talked about the musicality of improv, saying no to A-list celebrities, and the 4,000 amazing children stories that you’ll never, ever know about.

Since you make your living in comedy, does that make it more difficult to watch and appreciate other comedies?

Comedies as in other movies?

Yeah. I just can’t imagine you calling up Michael McKean and saying, “We should totally go see Hangover III this weekend!”

Well, yes, that’s unlikely to ever happen. I don’t see that many comedy movies, and I don’t watch television at all. I haven’t watched TV since I was 13. I’m a little bit in another world, I suppose, even though I’m technically in show business.

Is that by choice? Do you make the conscious decision not to be exposed to these things?

Obviously. It’s not a court order. Yeah, it’s a choice. A big-time choice.

Do you avoid them because they might affect your creative sensibilities, or do you just not find mainstream comedies appealing?

I prefer to keep my distance. By not watching television and not going to a lot of movies, it gives me a different reference point. It’s not as if I’ve never gone to the movies. My son is 17 now, but when he was 12 and 13, he would want to see certain movies. I did see a couple of films that would be described as mainstream.

Can you remember any titles?

Even if I did, I wouldn’t say. It wouldn’t be polite.

Because you didn’t enjoy them?

It’s not really my thing. I didn’t find any way to relate to it. Comedy, as with anything, is very much a subjective thing. One person can find something funny and another person doesn’t. I have a good gauge for myself when it comes to mainstream comedy. And the gauge usually says… “maybe not.”

Woody Allen claimed not too long ago that Annie Hall was his biggest disappointment. It didn’t end up at all like he intended. Which is ironic, as it’s the one film that most people would hold up as his masterpiece. He hates what the rest of us love. Do you have a film like that?

I don’t have a lot of regrets. And that’s probably because I rarely see what I’ve done after I’ve finished it. I don’t watch my movies. I work on them for a year and put them out there, and that’s the end of it.

When was the last time you saw Spinal Tap?

Not since the premiere.

Seriously? I’ve seen it at least twice this year alone. It’s on TV a lot.

That’s another reason I try to avoid television.

Are you afraid you’d be too critical?

Maybe. I don’t want to find out. You have to finish what you’re working on because at some point they come out. You know what I mean?

Once it’s out there, you can’t do another edit.

Every film feels like a never-ending work in progress. That’s always my mindset. Because something can always be better. But it has to come out. It is technically finished, it’s out there. People may or may not enjoy it. If I looked at one of my films again, I’m sure I’d find a lot to nitpick about. And not in a beating-myself-up way. I think Woody Allen is very hard on himself. And that’s probably unnecessary. It’s all in his mind.

Even if you don’t watch your movies anymore, are you ever driving down the 405 and all of a sudden the perfect Nigel Tufnel dialogue pops into your head, and you’re like, “Ah, man, I wish I could get a do-over?”

You get ideas after the fact. But I’m not interested in going back in and messing with it. No movie is perfect, at least no movie I’ve seen. The world is filled with wonderful movies that have imperfections. I’d rather see something that’s ambitious but flawed than some pretentious cinema that pretends to be a masterpiece.

Masterpieces are hard.

And they’re virtually impossible. It may have happened a couple of times in history. Especially for comedies.

I’m assuming this isn’t how you pitched Family Tree to HBO. “Don’t expect a masterpiece.”

I’ve been very fortunate that I don’t really pitch. I’ve never written anything in my life on spec. Typically writers have drawers full of scripts, and if they’re lucky, they get a script or two made. But every single thing that I have wanted to do has been produced. And they were done entirely the way I wanted to do them. If you don’t like them, that’s my fault. And if you do like them, it’s still my fault.

With HBO, did you come to them or vice versa?

HBO said they liked what I do and would I be interested in doing what I do for them. So that’s what I did.

I get weirdly comforted when I watch one of your movies and the same actors pop up. In Family Tree, you brought in familiar faces like Michael McKean, Fred Willard, and Ed Begley, Jr. Do you get the same comfort from working with these guys as we do watching them?

Absolutely.

You don’t have to explain to them what you do.

That’s really what it is. There’s no question that there was some anxiety when we started in England. Apart from Michael McKean, for a lot of these actors, like Chris O’Dowd and Tom Bennett, this was new territory for them. Bringing in new people is always a risk. Because there’s no written dialogue, there’s no rehearsal. You’re saying, “Okay, let’s jump into this and see what happens.” I was definitely more relaxed when we did the stuff in the States, and I had Fred Willard and Ed Begley and Kevin Pollak and Bob Balaban and all those people I’ve worked with before. Because I know what they can do.

There are no surprises.

Or the surprises are usually funny. With these guys, you know there’s a good shot it’s going to be effortlessly brilliant.

Are you ever approached by A-listers wanting to be in your movies? You’ve got cult cred. I can easily imagine George Clooney or Tom Cruise calling and asking you to put them in something.

Yeah, that’s happened. [Long pause.] Not specifically them, but you know…

And you said no?

What it comes down to is whether someone can improvise. And if you can’t improvise, I don’t care how famous you are, you aren’t going to be in the project. Improv is something that only a handful of people can do. The reason all the same people are in my movies is because those are the people who can do that work. I’m more interested in what somebody can do in a situation where they have no script and nobody is telling them where to go and what to say than whether they’re a movie star or famous.

Without naming names, have you gotten to the audition process with an A-list celebrity?

Oh, no. I would never get to that point. George Clooney is a wonderful actor, but when you look at people’s careers and what they are drawn to doing, there are people who gravitate to comedies because that’s what they do well, and people who do other things because that’s where their talents are. I’ve been approached by people who do dramas, who are really wonderful actors, who say things like “I would love to be in one of your movies.”

You have to gently tell them, “This isn’t for you”?

It’s hard. But there’s a reason that they haven’t done comedy or films with a lot of improvisation. Just wanting to do something doesn’t mean you should.

Do you really put your actors out there with nothing?

Oh, no, of course not. These things are much more mapped out than even a written screenplay would be. We do character backgrounds: where they went to school, what music they like, who they’ve dated and been dumped by. Plus, every scene is mapped out so they know exactly the beats in every scene. This is much more rigorous than people would imagine. Everyone has to know where we’re heading. Otherwise it’s just people yapping.

You’ve said that Peter Sellers is one of your comedy idols.

He’s my favorite.

He wasn’t an especially happy guy. He once claimed that he didn’t have any personality outside of his characters, that he was just a blank slate and these oddball characters took him over completely. Do you ever feel like that?

Well, that’s a little spooky. It’s like a plot from X-Files. That’s an Area 51 kind of a thing, don’t you think?

I do. So you’re saying it isn’t like that for you?

Every actor has a different way of approaching what they do, whether it’s research or finding a look or a voice. Sometimes it comes from the outside, sometimes from the inside. In my case, I would equate it to musicality.

In terms of a character’s personality, or how they talk?

It’s all in the voice. I have to hear that person talk and I have to love how that instrument sounds. In the same way that — I have a guitar collection, and there are certain instruments that speak to me because they have a certain tone and they are fun to play. If I’m doing a character, I have to be able to speak like that character and love the music and the meter of his voice. It has to flow out of me and feel true. It can’t be forced. It has to feel as natural as playing an instrument.

Speaking of music, it’s the 40-year anniversary of the National Lampoon musical Lemmings.

Geez. Really? That’s scary.

Scary that it was so long ago?

I had no idea it’d been 40 years. Thanks for bringing that up.

I didn’t mean to make you feel old.

No, don’t worry about it. I am old. I accept that. I did that show when I was 23. I hadn’t thought about it in a while.

Lemmings was a huge deal. The cast included you and a pre-fame John Belushi and Chevy Chase.

I was very fortunate to be involved with the Lampoon during that period. Not just the Broadway thing, but the radio show and the five or six albums we did. I look back at it now and think, “Was that really me? Did that happen how I remember it? How did I stumble into that?”

It’s amazing you remember anything. Stories about the Lampoon and the comedians involved with it during the ’70s — apparently there were some substances abused.

[Laughs.] Yeah.

If the legend is to be believed, there were wheelbarrows full of cocaine. Was it as crazy and unhealthy as it sounds, or has the debauchery been romanticized?

Well, if that’s considered romantic, then I need to talk to someone. There was a lot of stuff going on, but I was not one of the people doing that stuff. I was kind of living a different life, in many ways. I was isolated, I guess out of self-preservation. But I was mostly just interested in the work, not the stuff that happened afterwards. I was not the after-party guy.

There’s a YouTube video from the show of you doing a Bob Dylan impression. It’s staggeringly awesome. Did you ever hear from him?

Never. I mean, we heard from his attorneys, but never him personally. I saw him perform once in 1963, but I never came in contact with him. I doubt that he came to the Lemmings show, but who knows? Stranger things have happened. Maybe he snuck in, saw it in disguise. When we did the first Lampoon album, Radio Dinner, I did a Dylan impression. It was meant to be him selling these really cheap records on late-night commercials. The Lampoon offices got a call from someone representing him, asking us to stop it. And the same thing happened when I did Mr. Rogers.

You got a cease-and-desist from Mr. Rogers?

It was much nicer than that. It was about a scene I did for one of the records, with Bill Murray. I was Mr. Rogers interviewing a bassist, who was maybe a little stoned. We heard from Mr. Rogers’s people, who basically said, “Please don’t do that anymore.”

Your wife [Jamie Lee Curtis] has written some great children’s books. Today I Feel Silly, It’s Hard to Be Five. You’ve heard about this, I assume?

She has told me about it, yes.

Would you ever consider writing a children’s book? And if so, what might it be about?

Wow. Well, I know how to tell children stories. When my son was very small, I told him an original story every single night between the ages of three and eight.

Are you kidding me?

No. I did that. I must’ve told him close to 4,000 stories.

Why’d you stop?

He got to the age where he was like, “Please don’t do this anymore.”

That’s hard to fathom. There’s somebody in the universe who wants Christopher Guest to stop improvising original stories for him?

Yeah. An eight-year-old is hard to impress.

What were the stories like?

They’d all be about the same characters. But every night would be an original story.

Did you do voices? Did every character speak differently?

Oh, yeah. That’s what I know how to do.

Jesus. I’m getting goose bumps. Do you remember any of these stories?

I don’t. It’s the same thing as when I’m improvising. I have no memory of anything I’ve said in any of my movies. It was never said or thought about before that moment, and I’ve never thought about it afterward. The camera turns on and I start to talk, and then the camera shuts off and I forget everything.

So there are 4,000 original Christopher Guest children stories that were uttered out loud, and only two people were witnesses to it, and you’ve forgotten all of it?

Yes.

I’m going to need your son’s phone number.

That’s probably not going to happen.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, on Esquire.com.)

I called Maron to talk about his bottomless chasm of self-doubt, whether he’ll ever have more cats than Hemingway, and how podcasting could lower the suicide rate among Russian oligarchs.

I should let you know that I’m doing this interview because I’m apparently the only one at Esquire.com who isn’t terrified of you.

Really?

Here’s a direct quote from my editor: “I’m way too scared to interview him. Would you want to?” Is that fear justified? Are you scary to talk to?

I don’t ever understand that, really. Especially now, where people hear me talk so much. I don’t know what that could mean.

Maybe because you’re so intense? And when you talk to people, you draw things out of them that maybe they weren’t prepared to share?

Yeah. I mean, I’m intense. I get that. But I don’t know that anybody shares anything they don’t want to share. They may not have anticipated what we’d end up talking about, but if you really don’t want to share something, you probably won’t.

You talk very openly on WTF about your life and past mistakes. Does talking about it make it better?

Absolutely.

So you’re happier now than before you started doing the podcast?

I think sharing experience makes everything better. When people get talking about how they’ve overcome something or how they haven’t, it’s nourishing. I don’t know where we got away from that.

From confessional conversations?

Yeah. Two people just talking about stuff, letting it have its own flow. We live in a culture now where people are self-centered and careerist and everybody seems to think they have too much on their plate or they just don’t have time for other people’s pain. I have to assume that there was a time when people talked to each other for long periods of time.

I think that happened a lot before the Internet.

Yeah, that’s ruined it, along with cellphones. We live in an age where people are like, “I’d love to catch up. Maybe text me later? But don’t call because I don’t really listen to my messages. But if you text me…” We’ve displaced interaction into sound bites and untethered phrases and sentences that come up on the phone as Twitter feed.

You’re closing in on the 400th episode of WTF. That seems like a lot.

Does it?

There have been just over 500 episodes of The Simpsons. And it seems like that show’s been around for-fucking-ever.

Yeah, but we’re a completely different kind of show. I made a commitment at the very beginning to do two shows a week. So generally I don’t feel the numbers. A lot of times I don’t listen to the shows. I have a guy who edits them and puts them together. I do the talk, I do my monologue, and then I move them along.

Do you see yourself burning out on doing podcasts?

I sort of get tired of myself sometimes. When you’re busy, your life becomes relatively small. But I don’t really get tired of talking to other people. It’s just sort of, where does this show go? I think we can evolve within the format. We did more adventurous stuff early on, when I used to go out of the studio. Hopefully after I get through the chaos of launching the book and the TV show, maybe I’ll have some more time to figure out exactly where I want to take the podcast next.

So the TV show, Maron.

Yeah. Have you seen it?

The first few episodes. It was great but… weird.

Why weird?

I’m so used to listening to you on the podcast, which is improvisational and non-scripted. And this, well, it’s obviously scripted. You’re reading lines rather than just saying whatever pops into your head.

Well, it’s a different thing. It is what it is, it’s acting. It’s scripted. Some of it isn’t that scripted. Some of the stuff with me on the mic is usually thrown together that day and some of the interactions with people playing themselves were pretty loose. I tried to make sure I wasn’t saying anything on the show that I couldn’t or wouldn’t have said in my actual life. There’s nothing there that I would feel like, “What is this coming out of my mouth?”

But it’s still TV. It’s still “You say this line and walk over and hit your mark, and then this actress is gonna walk in and say this line.” Which isn’t a value judgment.

No, no, I hear you.

It’s just jarring. It’s like seeing Richard Pryor do standup and then watching him in The Toy.

Well, Pryor was a pretty good actor, so I’m going to spin that into a compliment.

I really don’t mean it as an insult.

I understand what you’re saying. There is always that issue. I do believe that the character I play is pretty close to the bone. Obviously life doesn’t work out neatly like a scripted story, with a 22-minute arc. But I thought I do a fairly earnest and good representation of who I am. I think if we get an opportunity to do more, it will be interesting to see how we can push it. Maybe we’ll take some more chances.

It seems like cats are becoming a recurring motif for you. You talk about them in the podcast, and cats are all over the TV show, and you’re posing with a cat on the cover of Attempting Normal. Why so many cats?

I just found myself with a bunch of them and I love them. But I don’t go out of my way for all cats. I like my cats specifically. I think I’m attracted to them because they don’t give a shit about me, really. And I can do the same with them, on some level. There’s an autonomy to it all.

Boomer is the cat you lost, right?

Yeah.

Is he still, as far as you know, out there some place?

He’s either out there or he’s dead.

Do you hold out hope?

I’d like to believe that somebody got him. Somebody made him an indoor cat and gave him some good food. That makes me feel better. It’s certainly a better narrative than him being killed by coyotes.

Did Boomer have any next of kin?

No. No kin. The two I have left, outside of the strays, are a brother and sister.

I have this vision that your garage is going to end up like Hemingway’s home in Key West.

Ha! Yeah.

Do you think 40 or 50 Maron cats will roam the garage after you’re gone?

No, because these days everybody gets their cats fixed. Even the strays are fixed in my neighborhood. So it’s not going to happen with my cats, not unless there is an immaculate conception.

Or maybe you’ll adopt 50 cats?

I wonder. I don’t know what is going to happen if another one of these cats goes away or dies. I would probably get another cat, yeah. I’ve seen a couple out back, but I can’t touch them. And the two I have, they seem pretty healthy, so I don’t have to worry yet.

Word gets out on the street that your house is a safe haven for cats, you never know.

Well, don’t put that word out there.

Have you heard about Boris Berezovsky, the Russian oligarch who may have killed himself in March or may have been assassinated, depending on who you believe?

I think I read something about that.

His friends are claiming foul play, saying he wasn’t the type to commit suicide. If they found you dead in your garage tomorrow, would your friends say, “Oh, yeah, absolutely a suicide, I’m surprised he didn’t do it sooner”? Or would they think maybe you’d been murdered?

I don’t know. I once talked about wanting to kill myself, but I don’t think I was ever really planning on doing it. It was just comforting to know that I could. You know what I mean?

You had a plan B.

Right. Just knowing that you can leave early is relieving. At that point in my life, my pride had been destroyed with the divorce and my career was staled. When you commit your life to something and it doesn’t work out, it is a tough place to be. Suicide can be the spiritual reprieve of a faithless person. I knew I could always just end it, and there was solace in that.

You’ve said that doing the podcast helped.

Yeah. Maybe that was the problem with the Russian guy. What’s his name again?

Berezovsky.

How much do people really talk in Russia? What’s the podcast situation in Russia right now?

I don’t have the slightest idea.

Who knows how well his friends knew him, especially if they didn’t talk all the time? Who knows what these rich people are hiding? With money comes bigger secrets.

Maybe for him, the idea of hanging out in his garage, having podcast conversations with other oligarchs, would have had the opposite effect.

It could’ve pushed him to suicide?

Sure. One man’s salvation is another’s hell.

Or it might have saved him. Maybe that’s the problem. The world needs more podcasts, so there’ll be less suspicious suicides. Who was supposed to have murdered this guy anyway?

Putin.

Oh. Well then I’m not even going to speculate. No way I want to get on Putin’s bad side.

If you could have gotten away with it, is there anybody in your life you would’ve had killed?

No. Not really. My second ex-wife, as bad as that got, I didn’t think about killing her. I haven’t had many homicidal thoughts. Occasionally I’ve had thoughts where it was like, I wouldn’t be that upset if that person got into a horrible accident. If something were to befall that individual that would render them unable to annoy me anymore, I wouldn’t have a problem with that.

When I started listening to your podcast, my first thought was, This must be a shtick. This guy couldn’t really be that much of a prick. No way he burned that many bridges with that many people. That’s gotta be his comedy persona. But it turns out, it’s kinda true.

Yeah. [Long pause.] Are you saying that’s a good thing or a bad thing?

I don’t think it’s either. Maybe we’re just accustomed to comics having invented personas.

I’ve always been jealous of people who can become a caricature of themselves. It just sounds so much easier. There’s not much difference between me and the guy on the podcast or the TV show. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the two. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

It’s probably good. Aren’t the best comics just doing heightened versions of themselves? Is Woody Allen really that much different from his characters?

I think he’s very different. If you watch a Woody Allen documentary, I would argue that he’s got a lot more of his shit together than the persona does. Maybe in terms of his movements and cadence, it can seem similar. The machine itself is the same, but the wiring of the machine, I don’t know. [Long pause.] It’s a really good question. As a performer, what parts of me do I accentuate? Or which parts become naturally accentuated in this particular form that I’m using? Especially when you’re a comic, you want to focus in on those foibles of your mind or those patterns that you may be fighting with in reality.

That sounds really complicated.

It’s fucking impossibly complicated. My brain goes all over the place. Every goddamn thing I do is life or death and my emotional needs have to be met. Professionalism has always been difficult for me because any show I do, I’m like, “Yeah, I’ve got a lot on the line here.” I’m doing a show at a Chinese restaurant in fucking Chicopee, Massachusetts, tonight and I’m like, “I haven’t done standup in two weeks. They aren’t going to like me. I’m too raw right now. I’ve got a lot of things on my mind. How am I going to get what I need and give them what they need?”

You probably don’t need me to remind you, but you’re overthinking it.

I absolutely am. I think most other comics are like, “I’m going to do my fuckin’ act and that’ll be that.” With me, it’s like, “What if I forget my jokes? What if I can’t pull it together? This is going to be a fucking disaster!”

But in a way, that’s why you’re so brilliant.

Being insecure and needy is brilliant?

It kinda is. Because it’s a form of anxiety we all feel. You just take it to a ridiculous level. And then you’re completely honest about how that anxiety is destroying you. Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.

That’s sweet of you to say. Thank you, man. [Long pause.] I don’t believe you at all, but thank you for saying it.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, on Esquire.com.)

But apparently younger people — people who aren’t married or use Facebook primarily to share baby photos with their 40-year-old friends from college — are using social media for sex. They’re single and ready to mingle, and Facebook is their Plato’s Retreat. I have no statistical evidence to back this up, other than reading a bunch of essays online in which other journalists (probably all married and around my age) wonder aloud if kids are using Facebook as a White Pages for fucking, so it’s probably at least kinda true. And what other explanation could there be for Graph Search, Facebook’s new super creepy search engine?

Don’t worry if you’re not familiar with Graph Search. It’s still technically in beta development, which means it’s only available to a few lucky users hand-picked from a waiting list, or those of us with press credentials and/or blogs with more than 10 unique visitors a month. Here’s what I’ve learned thus far: Graph Search is basically an all-inclusive search engine that allows you to find the personal details of anybody with a Facebook account who hasn’t figured out their privacy settings yet. I’ve been using Graph Search for almost a week now, and I’ve never felt more pervy.

I’ll give you an example. I did a Graph Search for “Women who like midget car racing and Radiohead.” Actually, my initial search was for women who like “midgets and Radiohead,” but then Graph Search suggested “midget car racing” and I was like, “Wait, what? That’s a real thing? Okay fine, Facebook, I’ll bite.” There are exactly 20 people, none of whom I know, who live on the planet earth, who went to the trouble of publicly announcing that they are fans of both the band Radiohead and a sport in which little people race in what I presume are adorably tiny cars.

I looked at all 20 profiles of the people who like Radiohead and midget car racing, because I’m not made of stone. For me, a married man in his 40s, it was just a way to pass the time, gawking at strangers because they liked weird things. But what if I was single, and I really did have a passion for Radiohead and midget car racing? That’s got to be an awkward thing to bring up on a first date. But with Graph Search, I can find ladies who share my bizarre interests with one click.

I can even narrow down my search for the perfect mate by doing an audit of their other likes. For instance, Jade in Texas is perfect for somebody. She wears a headband in her profile pic, she’s a book keeper for a tax service, and she likes both Radiohead and midget car racing. As a single dude, I might look further and go, “Oh wow, she also likes Cannibal Corpse, MacGyver and photos of raw oysters she’s about to eat! She’s the perfect woman!” But then, after digging a little deeper, I discover that her list of likes includes Blake Shelton and the movie Hope Floats. Sorry, no, that’s a deal killer. I know we don’t have a future, and I didn’t have to buy her dinner.

On the surface, this seems like an amazing tool for singles. If I wasn’t already legally bound to another, I’d be Graph Search stalking the shit out of Facebook’s 1.06 billion members. But this would be a mistake. Not because it’s inherently wrong to use the Internet to spy on people you don’t know as a way of deciding if you want to sleep with them. It’s wrong because it’s unlikely to result in satisfying long-term relationships.

I’m happily married, and I have only a few musical interests in common with my wife. We agree maybe 50% of the time, and that’s a generous percentage. We share an affinity for Wilco and Ben Folds and the Beastie Boys. Our first date was a Soul Coughing show, a band we both continue to love. Every time I hear “True Dreams of Wichita,” I still get the goosebumpy thrill of wondering if I’ll get to see my wife’s boobs tonight. But there are plenty of bands I adore that she can’t stand. Arcade Fire, for starters. She’s not a fan. Not even in a casual “Oh I like that one song” kinda way. The National? Nope. Son Volt? Nope. Cap’n Jazz? Double nope. She also enjoys plenty of music that I can’t even pretend to tolerate. Justin Timberlake comes to mind. And, okay sue me, Stevie Wonder. I’m not into it.

But those musical differences are what makes our relationship stronger. It’s what keeps the spark alive. If you’re with somebody for more than a decade (and I’m going on two at this point), some of the edges get dulled. The sex gets a little less spontaneous and wild. You don’t shut the door as often when you pee. But her continued unwillingness to like Neutral Milk Hotel still gets me as hot and bothered as it did in my 20s. If you’ve never experienced the heart-pounding thrill of trying to explain to somebody you love why they really should be listening more closely to In The Aeroplane Over the Sea – because dammit, you’re missing the music for the nasally voice — then I’d argue that you’ve probably never been in love at all. Love only blossoms when you’re given the unconditional opportunity to explain why the other person is so utterly and frustratingly wrong.

I don’t need a musically compatible life partner. But I do need a show buddy. I need a platonic friend who’ll come with me to the rock concerts my wife is unwilling to attend. The last time I had a rock buddy was 1999. I was recently married and living in Los Angeles, and I went to shows almost every weekend with a guy named Carlos, who worked with me at a Burbank video store. (There was a time when working at a video store in California seemed like a super-smart career move. Because Quentin Tarantino, that’s why!) We saw the Blues Explosion together, and the Magnetic Fields, and other bands my wife had vague to no interest in seeing. Carlos and I had nothing in common other than a compulsive need to see live music in the company of another human being who a) shared our enthusiasm, and b) would hold our spot when we went to the bathroom. I couldn’t tell you Carlos’ last name, or anything about him other than his musical tastes. The only conversations we had were about music. I also remember this: He wore the same jean vest to every show; it was covered in patches of the various bands he’d seen over the years. It was like one of those old-timey suitcases covered in travel stickers, but instead of Italy and Spain and Ireland, it bragged of adventures with the Pixies and Dinosaur Jr. and Fugazi.

My wife and I eventually left LA, and I haven’t found a regular show buddy since. It’s been almost 13 years. We recently moved back to Chicago, and I’d very much like to see the Mountain Goats when they tour the Midwest in mid-June. My wife has made it abundantly clear that she has no intention of joining me. (To her credit, she’s been my date to a half-dozen Mountain Goats shows over the years. Her marital obligation to pretend-sing-along with “No Children” has long since expired.) I need a date for the Mountain Goats’ prom; somebody to make me feel less conspicuously like the old dude at the rock show nursing a beer by himself in the back.

I did a preliminary Graph Search for people who like the Mountain Goats and live in Chicago, Illinois. There are more than 1000 people who fit that criteria, and I don’t have the time or energy to read that many Facebook profiles. But slimming down that number is as easy as remembering the things that annoy me about Mountain Goat fans. Like vegetarianism. I don’t want to meet a dude friend before a Goats show for some chickpea salad wraps or glazed lentil walnut loaf. I want a goddamn burger and a goddamn beer. My Graph Search for “People who like the Mountain Goats and red meat and live in Chicago” brought back exactly zero results. I did a worldwide search and found only ten people who share both interests. There are 96, 362 people who like the Mountain Goats on Facebook, and 7530 who have pledged their allegiance to red meat, and only ten will admit to liking both.

My next search tried to weed out the overtly religious. A lot of recent Mountain Goats songs are about religion and spirituality, which I choose to appreciate ironically. This is the only way I can continue to listen the Mountain Goats and not feel like I might’ve been tricked into liking Christian music. So it’s probably not the best idea to attend a Goats show with a Bible literalist, who’d be all “What’s your favorite Gospel?” My Graph Search turns up seven atheists who live in Chicago, Illinois and like the Mountain Goats. I hit pay dirt with the first guy on the list, John. Like me, he’s in his mid-40s, he’s been married since the late ’90s, he has a younger brother, and he’s a professional journalist, with a dependable gig at the Tribune company. His musical tastes are eclectic without being show-offy; he likes the Smiths, Iron & Wine, PJ Harvey and Johnny Cash. He’s not afraid to show some love for black metal, and he’s old school enough to buy music from the Record Swap in Champaign, Illinois, where I once bought all of my childhood vinyl and then sold it all right back again when CDs became popular. His political views are vague at best (“I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom”) and his last status update, as of this writing, was about a comic book convention (“I am the guy who threw up at Comicon. How have I sunk so low?”)

I’ll admit it, I’m kinda crushing on this dude. Now granted, my crush is based solely on the handful of things he pushed the “like” button for on a social media website, but it feels like we have a special connection. I’m like 98% sure he’s my musical soul mate. I want to go to shows with him and talk about how we’re both totally fans of Hüsker Düdes, and why aren’t there more Hüsker Dü tribute bands out there, or even just two, I mean isn’t there a market for this? And no, no, no, dude, I got the next round, stay right here and guard our spot.

I was going to send a message to John to introduce myself and see if maybe he wants to come to the Mountain Goats show with me in June. No big friendship commitment, just a blind date to see if we click. But Facebook wants to charge me $1 because John K. isn’t my “friend” yet. Ah, okay, I see how it is. They’ll let you Graph Search their global community for free, but if you want to meet anybody it’s gonna cost you.

I think I understand now. Facebook wants to be the world’s pimp. And Graph Search is their Craigslist ad.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, on MTVHive.com.)

It’s a Web-only commercial that made its debut in mid-April as part of Dove’s ongoing “Campaign for Real Beauty.” In the spot, which is presented in both three- and seven-minute versions, a forensic sketch artist draws several women, based only on their descriptions. (They’re concealed behind a screen.) Then he draws a different portrait of each woman, based on descriptions by relative strangers. The resulting sketches are displayed side by side; in all cases the portraits inspired by strangers are more flattering than the women’s own versions of themselves. The tagline reads: “You are more beautiful than you think.”

Has anyone watched it?

The three-minute version has been viewed (as of this writing) more than 26 million times on the Dove YouTube channel. The seven-minute version is up to 1.7 million views. “I’ve stopped counting,” says a very pleased Fernando Machado, global brand development vice president for Dove Skin, which is owned by Unilever. “Every single time we counted, it got outdated 30 minutes later. Let’s just say the numbers are incredibly positive.”

What’s the response been?

Mixed. Some seem to find the ads empowering, while others think they play into beauty stereotypes. AdWeek called it “one of the most original and touching experiments to come from the Campaign for Real Beauty in ages.” Suzanne Grayson, a longtime beauty-industry consultant, calls the commercial “brilliant” and “a real expression of the insecurity of so many women who tend to sell themselves short.” Slate, however, found the ad “cynical” and another example of Dove “using a faux representation of ‘real’ women.” Salon dismissed it as “pandering, soft-focus fake empowerment ads.” Jazz Brice, a 24-year-old blogger, wrote a fiery attack on the commercial that’s gone almost as viral as the ad itself. “When it comes to the diversity of the main participants,” she writes, “all four are Caucasian, three are blonde with blue eyes, all are thin, and all are young (the oldest appears to be 40).”

How do Dove customers feel about it?

Judging by Dove’s YouTube channel, the majority like it. “It’s overwhelmingly positive,” says Machado. “We have 90,000 likes and I think just 2000 dislikes. Which is a 45-to-1 ratio. If that applied to my personal life—if I had 45 people who liked me for every one who didn’t—I would be the happiest person.” On Dove’s Facebook page, comments about the video suggest that most find it uplifting and inspiring, but a few take the company to task. “This is a brilliant marketing campaign,” one female commenter observed. “But make no mistake it is carefully calculated to sell more products.” Another asked Dove to “stop pseudo-psychoanalyzing us in an attempt to make more profits for your soap products.”

Is Dove worried about the criticism?

Not really. Machado’s gut feeling about the campaign is “We hit the jackpot.” He’s aware of the ongoing debate online, but he claims he doesn’t follow it closely. As for criticism that the actresses featured in the ad are too thin, young, and attractive, he isn’t concerned. “I choose the women personally in casting,” he says. “And what I had in mind was, let’s find some women who’ll be able to speak at eye level with the viewer. Women who are real, who have a nice personality—who when they’re talking, I’d like to know more about them. If people think they’re beautiful? That’s the whole point of the ad, that people who are beautiful don’t realize that they’re beautiful.”

Has a Dove commercial ever come under fire like this before?

It has—and for another “Campaign for Real Beauty” ad. Dove began the campaign in 2004, created by advertising firm Ogilvy & Mather Brazil, with a series of TV, print, Web, and billboard ads featuring “real” women without model-thin bodies or excessive makeup. The campaign was initially hugely successful, by some accounts driving up sales for Dove’s products anywhere from 6 percent to 20 percent in just one year, resulting in estimated profits of more than $500 million. (A rep for Dove declined to comment on the company’s sales.) Then came a backlash, first by critics who pointed out that Unilever also owns and operates AXE, a brand of male grooming products that is advertised with scantily clad and anorexic-thin models. In 2008 digital artist Pascal Dangin revealed to the New Yorker that he had manipulated all the print ads for the Dove “Real Beauty” campaign. It was a “challenge,” he said, “to keep everyone’s skin and faces showing the mileage but not looking unattractive.” A few years later, a Craigslist casting call for the Dove “Real Beauty” campaign—looking for women with “flawless skin” and “nice bodies”—made the rounds online, embarrassing the company.

By 2011, MarketingWeek reported that Dove was ending the campaign entirely, focusing instead on a “less preachy” marketing approach. Saj-Nicole Joni, writing for Forbes, dismissed the campaign as “a cautionary tale of great cause marketing that peaked and then crashed.” And yet here we are in 2013, and Dove’s ad campaign that wouldn’t say die once again has the most talked about commercial on the Internet.

With all the attention surrounding the “Real Beauty Sketches,” will it help their sales or hurt Dove’s brand?

Marti Barletta, author of such books as PrimeTime Women: How to Win the Hearts, Minds, and Business of Boomer Big Spenders and Marketing to Women, thinks the future couldn’t be brighter. “Dove is so far ahead of most companies in terms of being in touch with women’s actual attitudes, emotions, and frustrations with the beauty industry in general,” she says. Even if their intentions aren’t pure, she still thinks it’s genius marketing. “Companies have to be—and are starting to become—more savvy about understanding the people they’re trying to sell to.” Consumers today are savvy, she says. They know they’re being sold a product. “But women support companies that go above and beyond the commercial motivations and try to make an effort to understand how they think and feel. There’s a lesson there that other companies would be well-served in paying close attention to.”

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in Bloomberg BusinessWeek.)

I initially called Barr to talk about The Office, but after a perfunctory discussion (the cast and writers are great! The food on set is amazing!) we moved on to other, more pressing topics. Like mind control and weed.

How long have you been in Vegas?

I came out twice. First it was from the middle of January to March 1, and then I came back for all of April. I’ll be here until early May.

Does being in that city mess with your internal chemistry? There are no clocks, it’s always daytime. It’s like being in Alaska during a month when the sun never sets.

I love it. It’s one of the reasons why I like coming here. It makes me more productive. Maybe it’s because it’s not a vacation for me. It’s all about work when I’m here. I actually get more conservative when I’m in Vegas.

So you’re not the kind of person who likes to take some peyote and go out in the desert to talk to your spirit animal?

I’ve already talked to my spirit animal. He’s got nothing else to tell me. I’m 60, I’ve done it all. I’m totally over it.

But you still smoke weed, right?

Oh yeah, absolutely.

What are you like stoned? Are you mellow and introspective, or super hyper?

I’m very introspective, and I mostly don’t talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place. Kind of the opposite of how I am when I’m not stoned.

Can you be productive on weed? Do you write or perform under the influence?

No. You just get a bunch of shit if you do that. And you definitely cannot perform under the influence. It messes with your timing. You’ll wait two minutes before you say the punch line. It’s altered reality, so it doesn’t work for that. I use it mostly for relief from anxiety. And because it makes you question things.

What things?

Everything. Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It’s a mind-expander, which is part of why it’s illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.

You’ve been a longtime supporter of pot legalization. Are you happy with the progress we’ve made?

I think it’s amazing. It’s sweeping across the country. It’s such a great thing for American families and for freedom and liberty. When I ran for president last November, I ran on the legalization of pot. So I was on the right side. By the time I run again in 2016, I think it’ll be legal in most places.

You’re gonna run again?

I’m going to keep running till I win.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to start smaller? Take the Arnold Schwarzenegger approach and run for governor somewhere?

People say that to me all the time. They tell me, “Why don’t you move to Alaska, you could be governor?” The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don’t really want to hang out with politicians. I’d rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.

So you don’t actually want to be president?

No, I think I should be the president. I definitely believe that. And in some ways I think that I am.

Think you are what? The president?

To a lot of people, I am their president.

Which people?

The people who voted for me. And the people who worked for me, for my campaign, they worked for free. I owe something to them and I’ll always be true to them. And they’ll always be true to me.

You came in, what, sixth place overall?

I think I came in fifth. Which is impressive because I was only on the ballot in three states. What we’re doing now is, we’d like to get a lot of people in our party—the Peace and Freedom Party—elected to various state posts. I’m going to be making a push for somebody from our party to run against Chris Christie in the next election.

I only know about your position on weed. Where do you stand on other hot topic issues? Like, gay marriage?

I believe in equal rights for all citizens. One law for all.

What about the showdown with North Korea? How would you handle that?

I just wonder why we’re talking about attacking Iran for maybe having a nuclear weapon, while North Korea threatened us and we don’t seem to do much there. It just seems like something else is going on that we don’t really know about.

Dennis Rodman said that all Kim Jong-un wants is a phone call from the president.

I’d give him his phone call. And the first thing I’d say is, “Are you shitting me? Are you shitting me?! Do you seriously want to take on our military?”

You were at Occupy Wall Street in 2011, and you told protestors that “guilty” Wall Street bankers should be forced to give up any income over $100 million, be sent to re-education camps, or be executed by beheading if they resisted. Were you being ironic?

I was being very ironic. That was before I became a real candidate. That’s when I was a candidate at-large or a humorist at-large. But a lot of people listened and a lot of people are saying the same thing now.

That bankers should be executed?

Well, not exactly those words. But there should be a punishment. What exactly is the penalty for destroying an entire community? Is there a penalty for that? There doesn’t seem to be. We should take a look at really broadening our definition of the word terrorist.

Do you think your background in comedy makes you more or less qualified to lead the country?

Definitely more qualified. I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That’s what we’re supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

But the thing about being a president is, you can’t be ironic. Like ever. Nobody wants to hear their president say “just kidding, folks.”

Well, the current president doesn’t have to. His administration is already such an obvious joke.

But you see my point.

I do, and I don’t really agree. In this country, the people who affect things the most—how the rest of us think and feel—are comics. It’s true. Because a comic needs to understand the big picture in order to fracture it and present it to people so they can see it more clearly. Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

That’s actually hard to argue against.

When I was a kid, that’s how I saw comics. When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We’d watch stand-up on TV, and he’d tell me the subtext of what they were saying. He’d say, “This guy just says funny things. He doesn’t want to rock the boat. But this guy, he’s really bringing the revolution.” That’s the kind of dad I had, and he made me a comic. I still think that way.

It’s still a long shot that a comedian could ever become president.

What about what happened with Beppe Grillo in Italy? He’s a comic too, but the Italian people were smarter than the Americans and they elected the guy. It’s just they could see when somebody was telling them the truth. So they have a comedian as their president.

Actually, I think Giorgio Napolitano was re-elected president.

Well, Beppe got close then. And that counts for something. I still have hope that the American people could become as intelligent as the Italians and elect me. Beppe is out there, telling the powers-that-be, “That’s not how we’re going to do it! That’s not how we want it. Listen to us! You are our servant, we’re not your servant!” That’s what got me when Chris Rock said that Obama was the father of America. Hello, he’s our elected representative. We’re not his subjects. What the hell is he talking about?

I think he meant like a daddy figure, not a king.

Either way, Obama totally ignores the people who sent him there. Totally and completely ignores them. That’s what America voted for. They voted for deaf leaders. Instead of voting for me. So I want them to wonder why once in a while, wonder why they did that to themselves.

A few weeks ago, you were being interviewed by a cable news show and you mentioned MKUltra mind control in Hollywood. You didn’t really get into the details.

You know about MKUltra, right?

Vaguely. I know they were CIA psychiatric experiments during the ‘50s and ‘60s.

It’s a lot of programs for creating a certain class of citizen. The basis of it is that they did experiments on people and didn’t get their consent. I’m not going to be able to go into it too much, but people should really take a look at mind control, and how it works, and how it’s been used on them.

On them personally?

Generations of people, not only here but all over the world, are still being affected by it. It’s pretty interesting.

But what does this have to do with Hollywood? You’re saying the government is using mind control to tell celebrities what to say?

It would take me way too long to get into.

What’s the short version?

A lot of people who are actors and artists who work in Hollywood come from a background of abuse, and you can make abused people very fearful and they’ll do what they’re told. Hollywood definitely has a point of view that it sells. I remember when we were little and we used to make fun of communist Russia in school. We’d say, “Their military tells their television stations what they can show.” I remember when I was a kid, we used to think that was just horrible.

It hasn’t come to that, has it? Is the U.S. Military secretly running the upfronts?

No, but there’s definitely a control of the artist. You can’t break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I’ve tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it. I’m still trying, and I’ll continue to try. Because if you have something like a media, and truth doesn’t come through it, what does that say? That’s not good. But I still have hope that the truth about the real issues that most Americans face can be on television. I’m trying anyway.

But isn’t truth, or at least political truth, in the eye of the beholder?

Not at all.

Bruce Springsteen is just a puppet for Obama, or Victoria Jackson is just a puppet for Fox News, depending on your personal politics. How do you tell the difference between somebody having opinions you don’t agree with and somebody who’s been coerced into saying something?

You can tell. You just listen for two minutes. If you have a brain, if you’re aware, you’ll know. Like they say, truth is available to the ears that can hear it. Just listen for two minutes and you can tell who’s working for who, who’s speaking for who, and why.

And everybody in Hollywood is in some way being controlled by the government?

The basic thing is, people want to get paid, so they’ll say the things that get them paid, in entertainment or politics. For me, I just gave up all hope of being paid, and moved into a place of just doing what I do for free, and not paying people to help me but asking them to volunteer. Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things. To me, that’s what’s great about America, we can do that. If we get off our lazy asses and stop doing everything to get paid.

With the mind control thing, it’s just hard to take seriously. It sounds so insane.

Yeah, it sounds insane. But do you think it sounds insane that a message bounces off a satellite and goes everywhere in the world at the same second? We live with that kind of technology. People say things are insane because they don’t fit a Hollywood script.

Or it’s too close to a Hollywood script.

These are times where someone, a company, owns the patent for human life. That sounds pretty crazy too, right? But we’re doing it, with cloning and all that stuff. In China they invented a bulldozer the size of a pin or smaller that they can inject into people and it’ll eat the plaque out of an artery so the heart can pump blood. Does that sound insane?

That actually does sound insane. A tiny bulldozer?

That’s a reality. Look it up. Crazy is to go “That doesn’t exist.”

But some things really don’t exist. Some conspiracy theories really are bonkers.

Well that’s also MKUltra at work. Calling people who are whistle-blowers dissenters or crazy, that is MKUltra. And you notice how they rush in to fill all the silence? People should just read. They can read and find the information for themselves. But a lot of them can’t. Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate. So people aren’t going to read.

In a 2001 interview with Larry King, you told him “I believe the government has implanted some kind of a chip into my head.” Does that mean you’re being controlled by MKUltra too?

That was complete satire. I was just playing with Larry King. I always did when I went on his show. I would say things like that just to see what kind of reaction I could get out of him. Of course I don’t really believe the government put a chip in my head.

That’s good to hear.

Sometimes when you’re face to face with somebody who’s been programmed—and I did feel like all of Larry King’s questions were programmed, everything he asked was programmed—I like to fuck up the program. Like the group Anonymous, it’s fun to fuck shit up. It’s our duty to fuck shit up.

You don’t think Larry had any control over his own content?

Not at all. By the way, I’m a big fan of Larry King. I think he was a great broadcaster. But the questions he asked me were the questions that the media wanted him to ask. And they’re confrontational, and they’re anti-artist, and they were always very sexist, and classist, and racist: the three big points of media. It was my duty as a comedian to fuck with him.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, on Esquire.com.)

Since its launch three years ago, Pinterest has become the third-most-popular social network in America, behind Facebook and Twitter, with more than 40 million users, 83 percent of them women, according to Engauge, a digital marketing agency. Essentially an enormous online girlie scrapbook, it has a highly dedicated membership: The average user is on the site for 89 minutes a month, compared with 21 minutes for the average Twitter user. Its popularity has inspired a number of imitators, including such sites as Pinspire and StylePin. Inevitably, testosterone-laden clones have popped up, hoping to capture the guys out there like Bruce, who really want to pin but aren’t interested in Pinterest’s feminine charms. In addition to MANteresting, there’s Dudepins (“Cool Stuff for Guys”), PunchPin (“The Site for Men and Manly Interests”), Gentlemint (“A Mint of Manly Things”), and Dartitup (“Man Up, Sign Up, Pin Up”).

“There’s a market for a male Pinterest,” says John Manoogian III, the co-founder and chief technology officer of social advertising firm 140 Proof. Guys also like the action of pinning—sorry, nailing—consumer goods and photos to their profiles as an act of self-expression. It’s just that they prefer to do it in a no-girls-allowed environment. “Guys say, ‘Gee, I think that Pinterest is only for women. I want to go where there are people like me,’ ” says Manoogian.

Nick Pitakos, 19, a college student in Columbus, Ohio, was drawn to MANteresting because, as he says, “it was a website where I could have it up on my laptop while out and about at Ohio State and not feel ashamed for using it.” On April 19, MANteresting’s home page featured pictures of “badass dogs,” gluten-free caveman cookies, and an “awesome” F-Type Jaguar, among other things. Zachary Lee, 22, a college student in Fresno, Calif., avoids Pinterest because it has “too many pictures of Adam Levine’s abs.” (A search on Pinterest for “Adam Levine abs” turned up only one shirtless picture of the toned Maroon 5 frontman.) He’s been active on MANteresting since September 2012 and enjoys the pictures of “concept cars and manly actors such as Sean Connery and George Clooney.” MANteresting’s home page also has pictures of semidressed women, but, Bruce points out, not as many as PunchPin, which he says “looks more like a porn site.” On April 19, the most clicked image on PunchPin was a picture of Jessica Alba in a tight sweater with the poetic caption, “Jessica Alba puts holes in a turtleneck.”

Brandon Patchin, co-founder of MANteresting, is proud of his site’s growth. “In the last 48 hours, we had about 10,000 new accounts created,” he says. “Yesterday we had 60,000 visitors, and on average we hit around 100,000 to 200,000 visitors every month.” Competitor Dartitup boasts “600,000 views each month, 35,000 unique views,” according to Brandon Harris, president and co-founder of the site, while Dudepins Chief Executive Officer Kamil Szybalski says his version has “a baseline that’s increasing 20 percent to 30 percent every month.” Brian McKinney and Glen Stansberry, the co-creators of Gentlemint, which has a slightly more refined vibe (its most popular picture ever was of an Eldredge necktie knot), will only say its numbers are “about 10 times the amount” of the competitors. These guys don’t tire of sizing themselves up.

“We were the first,” says Patchin, who launched MANteresting last February but claims he registered the domain the previous September. Gentlemint’s Stansberry also says his site “was the first one out there.” And Patchin says he received a cease-and-desist e-mail from the founders of Dudepins last September accusing him of slander after he tweeted about the rival company, referring to it as “Douchepins.” Szybalski, when reminded of the exchange, says it’s “water under the bridge. I wish them the best of luck.”