Eric Spitznagel: There’s a song on your new album called “Rock N’ Roll Jesus.” Aside from a love of rock, what else do you and the Son of God have in common?
Kid Rock: Probably the long hair. And I wish I could learn how to do that water-to-wine trick. I guess that’s where we really start to differ. I don’t know, I probably shouldn’t say more than that. It’s a touchy subject. But whatever, people need to stop being so fucking uptight, right?
What’s more important to you, if one of your songs becomes a Billboard hit or if it goes into heavy rotation on the strip club circuit?
You already know the answer. I don’t give a fuck about awards or accolades or charts or anything like that. I understand why we have them and need them, but that’s not important to me. I like to think a song like “So Hot” can have a bigger impact. I want it to reignite the torch of our adult entertainment establishments.
With lyrics like “I wanna fuck you like I’m never gonna see you again,” you probably don’t have anything to worry about.
As a man who wants everyone to do well in this country, that’s a great way for me to support single mothers.
Do you still have a stripper pole in your recording studio?
It’s still there. I’ve got a portable one now. It creates a great atmosphere. Just put a pole in a room and girls can’t help themselves. They’ll jump around on it and have fun, even if they’re not stripping. All girls want to be sexy. It’s like putting a keg at the party rather than serving cans of beer.
Speaking of girls, what’s your craziest groupie story?
I’m not sure if I should tell you.
Oh, come on! Pretend you’re writing your Hammer of the Gods. Surely you’ve got at least one “shark episode,” right?
Well, there’s one story that involves a shady time in a bathroom with a kid on a skateboard with no legs. That’s all I can say.
That’s not fair, Kid. You can’t tease us like that and then just leave us hanging.
I’m not ready to kiss and tell yet. It’s kinda stupid when guys start bragging about all the crazy sex they’ve had. Because then they get cut off. I don’t want to be cut off. My philosophy is, just shut up about it and tell your buddies.
How is playing a guitar different from making love to a woman?
It’s a lot easier to put the guitar away when you’re done.
Is the 4000th blowjob from an anonymous groupie as sweet as the first blowjob from an anonymous groupie?
They’re all equally as evil.
We don’t believe you for a minute. You’re telling us you’ve gotten this far in the rock biz and you think having sex with strangers is evil?
Well, I probably didn’t think that way in the beginning. When you’re starting out, it’s pretty much why we played shows. [He mimes playing the guitar and checking his watch.] “Let’s finish this fucking thing, for crying out loud. There are blowjobs to be had and liquor to be drank. We’ve got work to do in this town.” But things change when you get older.
Which brings us to Pamela.
Ouch! Very funny, Kid. What’s going on with you and Pamela Anderson? You’re engaged, you’re not engaged, you’re engaged again. We’re sure it’ll change before this interview goes to print, but what’s the status?
I’m making a record, and from what I saw, she has her swimsuit on and she’s telling people to sign up for Direct TV. I’m gonna leave it at that.
Any truth to the rumors that you broke off the engagement because she was in the Borat movie?
I’ll just say this; when you hear stories like that in the tabloids, it’s usually the other person. You know what I mean? It’s not “sources.” When you hear sources, it’s almost always the other person. And I don’t answer back. I don’t need to fucking answer to anybody, and definitely not to any shit like that. I’d rather keep it inside and squeeze out a good song. I don’t fucking tell US Weekly what parties I’m going to be at. I write songs.
You really think that some stars, even those who claim they’re being harassed, are in cahoots with the tabloids?
Absolutely. Anytime somebody complains about being in the tabloids, it’s just bullshit. “How do I keep getting caught on camera?” I don’t know, maybe because you fucking called them? I’ve seen that evil wheel work from the top. (Winks.) From the best of them. It’s evil. It’s the biggest lie in the world. “I don’t like to be bothered. They come and harass my children.” Well if you call them all the time and tell them where you’re going to be, and then they come and bother you and your children, you’re playing that game.
Dr. Phil has said that he enjoys your music. Is that flattering or grounds for a cease-and-desist letter?
I think it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. Here’s this guy who is giving hope to Middle-American white women and telling them how to run their lives and deal with their cheating husbands, and then he goes home and has a good listen to Kid Rock. If you think about it, I’m at least indirectly responsible for counseling middle-aged white women.
Why not just eliminate the middleman entirely? You’d make a great therapist. You certainly tell it like you see it.
I guess. I don’t know, maybe you’re right. I have a lot of friends who gravitate towards me because I can say things that they can’t without getting in trouble. Maybe this is me on my high horse and somebody will knock me off, but I feel like I can’t do any wrong. I get out there and I probably have more fun than a lot of people. I put it into fucking sixth gear. And when I’m with my son, I’m a good father. So I definitely balance it out. I see these people who are all squeaky clean with their careers and I feel like if I got caught in an alley with a hooker and a crack pipe, I’d be a fucking hero. “Aw, it’s the Kid. Fuck it.” It’s not like I’d be ashamed because I’m a senator.
What about wearing the American flag as a poncho at the Super Bowl Halftime Show? Any regrets about that?
Who is anyone to tell me how I can display my patriotism? I understand what that flag means. I’ve been to Iraq twice. I spent Christmas there. I was at memorials while they were carrying away the human remains of kids who died in combat, with the flag draped over their caskets. That fucking dickhead senator from Georgia who ran his mouth off about me, what’s his name?
That fucking idiot said I’d be ridden out on a rail or something. Well Zell, here’s what I have to say to that. Me and you, let’s fucking go over there. Let’s go to Iraq and see those kids on the front lines and we’ll find out who gets ridden out on a fucking rail. ‘Cause it won’t be me, you old fucking dumb white man.
You were banned from performing at President Bush’s inauguration bash in 2005, even though his daughters personally requested you. Does that still sting?
It doesn’t matter to me either way. I just wanted to do it because it was so fucking weird. I’ve played for the president already, at the Kennedy Center Honors. And I did a show for the Republican Convention, but that was only because they paid me a fuckload of money. I don’t show up places for fucking free. I still have that rap mentality. “Fuck you, pay me.” The Bush twins were at that show, but the secret service guys told me, “Yeah, they’re under strict orders not to have a picture with you.” I didn’t even ask for one, but as soon as they said that, I was like, “Fuck, how do I get that picture?”
How would you run the war differently than the president?
First thing, I’d kick the fucking media out. War’s not pretty, and you can’t fight a war diplomatically. We didn’t win the Revolutionary War like that. We were the original terrorists, ducking behind buildings and shit. As harsh as this sounds – and I’m sure I’ll get a lot of shit for it but obviously I don’t give a fuck – if somebody kills an American soldier in a certain section of town, I’d blow up that fucking section of town. I’d do what the Israelis do. I’d take out 50 motherfuckers. I’d say, “Next American that gets killed, fifty more. Innocent people, whatever. You start giving up these insurgents or we’ll wipe out your fucking block just like they do.” You gotta fight fire with fire. You gotta let these guys go in and get dirty.
Any plans to retire, or are you just going to keep touring and playing music until it becomes embarrassing?
I’d hope that somebody tells me if I become embarrassing. “Yeah, Kid, it’s not working anymore. Move back to Michigan and have fun with your money.” I don’t want to be one of those cats that goes out on tour every summer for ten dollars a ticket with four other bands that were big from my era. I hope I have enough smarts not to do that. And I don’t want to be doing a fucking Wrangler commercial when I’m 60 years old. That’d just be humiliating. It means you weren’t very smart with your money. I don’t want to be doing infomercials and saying things like, “You may remember me from such rock n’ roll hits as ‘Bawitdaba’.”
If you had to choose just one of your lyrics as an epithet, what would it be?
[Long pause.] “Back in black and if you have to ask you can kiss my Anglo-Saxon ass.”
Not bad. We kinda thought it’d be: “Yo bitch how’s about I drop my drawers and put my balls in your mouth?”
[Laughs.] As my epithet? Yeah, not fucking likely.
(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the October 2007 issue of Maxim magazine.)