Guys who think they’re born to be porn stars usually have one thing in common: They have enormous schlongs.

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And sure, having a big penis doesn’t hurt. (We mean your chances of getting in the porn biz, not the poor woman who has to endure that Moby dick. That totally hurts.)

Porn director Adam Glasser—who goes by the professional name Seymore Butts—says that the industry average is “8 inches. A few are shorter, but many are longer.”

But being hung like you’ve got elephantitis of the penis is not necessarily the main talent you need to become a male porn star.

That’d be like saying the only requirement for becoming the next LeBron James is being really tall. It’s a little more complicated than that.

If your dream is to become the next James Deen or Ron Jeremy or . . . um . . . whatever the names are of other male porn actors—we honestly have no idea—our first advice is to stop having those dreams immediately. Are you out of your damn mind?

But if you’re determined to do it anyway, you might as well know what you’re in for.

We gathered a roundtable of porn professionals—the aforementioned smut auteur Adam Glasser, as well as actors James Deen and Donald Davidson (who performs under the name “Dr. D”)—to tell us what skills you’ll need for a long career in being not noticed for your life’s work.

Can you instantly get an erection while annoyed strangers are staring impatiently at you?

Whatever your confidence in your erections in the bedroom, it’s a little different on a porn set. For one thing, nobody cares if you’re having a good time.

“You’re a prop,” says Deen. “You’re a meat puppet. Your job is to make the female performer look as good as humanly possible and accentuate every piece of beauty about her and be able to draw a performance out of her while delivering the type of scene—whatever it may be—that I ask for.”

Deen sums up the expectations for a male porn star like this: “He gets his penis hard when he’s told to.”

That means the moment you drop your pants, you should be erect. “Show-ready” erect. The kind of erect you can hang a wet towel on, no problem.

“If I waited 5 minutes for a guy to achieve an erection, it was 3 minutes too long,” says Glasser, the man responsible for films like Butt Pirates of the Caribbean and Poetic Just-Ass.

And no, there won’t be any fluffers to help you reach an excited state. If you need assistance, bring a girlfriend or a buddy.

To make matters worse, the conditions on a porn set are not conducive to erections.  If you’re lucky, your first shoot will be in a bedroom. But in today’s gonzo porn environment, having sex on a soft bed is a luxury.

“The first scene I ever shot, I was put on a bus with extras that was driven around Los Angeles,” says Davidson, who works regularly with porn studios like Wicked, Reality Kings, and Babes.com.

“Think porn is easy? Try fucking on a bus in front of 20 people while driving down the 101 and hanging from the handlebars.”

Can you keep that erection for 2 to 7 hours?

Glasser claims that filming a typical porn scene can take anywhere between one and a half to two hours.

“The male performer must be hard for a majority of this time, as we do take occasional breaks for a variety of reasons,” he says.

That means you’re erect when they need you, except for occasional 10 minute breaks here or there, in which case you can give your penis a break, until they’re ready to shoot again, and then BE HARD NOW!

Deen— 2013’s “Cocksman of the Year”— has a slightly different take on how long you need to remain erect while on the clock. “Forever, is the answer,” he says.

He estimates that he’s performed in over 4,000 scenes since making his porn debut, and in most of those “I had to be up and down and be hard for 6 to 7 hours, maybe more.“

There’s an unpredictability in porn shoots that makes it especially stressful for the male talent.

In your personal sex life, you probably expect sex to go something like this: You have sex until one or both of you have an orgasm, and then you stop. But that’s not how it works in porn.

“The scenes are sometimes shot in pieces,” says Davidson. “So there can be a lot of starting and stopping, which means you might have to edge back up—either jerk off or have her blow you to get hard again—so you can pick up where you left off.”

But don’t take too long to get back into the mood. “If I tell a male performer it’s time to get hard and then they take 10 minutes, I’m going to be really annoyed and I probably will never hire them again,” says Deen.

“If they have sex for 20 or 30 minutes and they need a break, I’m going to get really annoyed and probably never hire them again.”

Can you ejaculate 4.75 tablespoons of semen at least 6 feet?

Wait, what? That’s a joke, right?

Not really. Glasser didn’t hesitate to give us the exact seminal fluid measurements he requires from his male performers.

It should be “Enough to full glaze a face,” he says. “At least 4.75 tablespoons.”

And that “full face glaze”—a colorful way of saying ejaculate that ends up on your female colleague’s face—should be deliverable from any distance.

Well, maybe not from across the room. But she won’t always be waiting helpfully below you, allowing gravity to do most of the work.

“The minimum shooting distance is 6 feet,” Glasser says.

Why exactly 6 feet? “So you can stand at most women’s feet while they are prone and reach their faces,” he explains. “Aim is what separates the good ones from the great ones.”

After your first orgasm, can you be ready for round two almost immediately?

How long can a male performer rest between orgasms? “As long as it takes me to eat my lunch,” says Glasser. And he’s a fast eater.

So let’s say you’ve finally ejaculated after an exhausting 2 to 7 hour shift. You can reward yourself with a 15-minute break before it’s time to go back and do it all over again.

But don’t worry, your second scene of the day won’t be quite so intense. You’ll only be expected to remain consistently erect for around 2 hours this time, before you’re asked to ejaculate a second load that reaches distances of at least 6 feet.

Do you lack anything resembling self-respect or dignity?

After nearly giving yourself an aneurysm trying to maintain an erection on demand for 7 hours at a time, and then ejaculating right on cue, at the exact trajectory needed for the perfect cinematic framing, one might expect to be rewarded with praise and respect from your peers and co-writers.

Nope. Not even close.

“Guys in porn are very much objectified and not seen as people,” says Deen, the industry’s current king of the meat puppets.

“It’s actually funny,” he adds, “because it’s often seen as female objectification, but it’s actually completely in reverse. The females are the stars, so their wishes and desires are very much considered and are the primary focus of attention.”

The male performers aren’t actually humiliated, Deen assures us. Nobody is screaming at them, “Go spill your sperm, meat puppet! Do what you’re told!”

They’re just not treated like valuable human beings who’ve provided something worthwhile and should be given even a modicum of respect.

“Guys are props,” Deen says. “They”re just sort of there to do what they’re told. They’re not people.”

Enjoy your exciting new career!

(This story was previously published, in a slightly different form, at Men’s Health.)