1. Calling somebody a “snowflake” because it suggests that they are from a snowbound state, not because you value them as unique.

politically-correct

2. Saying “I’ve got a safe space for you” with an inflection that implies or could be interpreted that the safe space is really in your pants.

3. Threatening to move to Canada after the election but then totally not moving. You owe Ottawa an apology.

4. Referring to large earthenware containers as “jugs”.

5. Using hurtful words like “lazy” or “unmotivated” or “Maybe it’s time you moved out of my basement.”

6. Interacting with your dog without acknowledging your opposable thumbs privilege.

7. Saying “Happy holidays” instead of a proper, historically correct Christmas greeting, like “All hail the mighty Lord of Misrule, host of the Feast of Fools and enemy of the Roman people!”

8. Telling someone they have the winning personality of a middle-aged Corey Feldman.

9. Calling your cellmate “Tiny” even though he weighs 350 pounds and bends bars for fun.

10. Pronouncing someone’s name without the umlaut.

11. Peeing behind a bush that isn’t explicitly gender-neutral.

12. Knowing the difference between “your” and “you’re” but still mixing them up because you’re in a hurry and it’s just social media.

13. Asking “Out late last night?” just because a guy didn’t shave, has bloodshot eyes, and decided to wear sweatpants to work.

14. Telling a woman during menstruation, “I hope your flow is heavy like the majestic torrent of the mighty Mississippi River.”

15. Doing an impression of Chevy Chase from any of his movies without adding “But of course, addiction is no laughing matter.”

16. Going to a Star Wars premiere dressed as Han Solo or Darth Vader, forcing other audience members to be reminded of their complicated relationships with their fathers.

17. Denying the fact that “Hollywood” cannot be intersectional with “Vine”.

18. Whispering into a child’s ear “Our government is run by lizard people wearing human skin disguises and they want to kill your mommy and daddy” while dressed as Santa.

19. Posting a Facebook tribute to a recently deceased pop star when you actually haven’t listened to them since high school.

20. Using the word “moist” in any context.

21. Calling this magazine Men’s Health instead of Your Chosen Gender Identity’s Health.

[This story was originally published, in a slightly different form, in the December 2016 issue of Men’s Health.]