As a brand devoted to men, we try to provide you with the most extensive penis news coverage on the internet. If it happened to a wang, or effects your ding-dong in some way, we’ll tell you about it.

But sometimes penis stories slip through the cracks. Here’s the schlong news you may’ve missed this week.

Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a . . . Oh, Wait, I See It Now. Yeah, That’s Totally a Penis

Sometimes you come across a penis story and you’re like, “This is it. This is why I got into journalism.”

That happened this week. It’s the reason “This Week in Penises” exists. Because something like this might happen.

Here’s what went down: Last weekend, during the annual London Gay Pride festival, CNN correspondent Lucy Pawle spotted what she immediately recognized as a “clear attempt to mimic the ISIS flag.”

The 24-hour news network devoted six and a half whole minutes to covering her discovery, in which CNN anchor Suzanne Malveaux repeatedly noted how “unnerving” it was to see “an ISIS flag among a sea of rainbow colors.”

What they missed, if anybody at CNN had bothered to look even a tiny bit closer, was that the flag wasn’t written in Arabic at all, but covered in dildos, butt plugs, and cock rings.

ISISFlag

 

There’s really nothing I can add to this story. I could make some lame “Weapons of ass destruction” joke. But what’s the point?

The truth by itself is so beautiful, so utterly perfect. Enjoy it like you might enjoy an especially magical sunset, or an Aurora Borealis.

Also, I’d just like it noted for the record that the Confederate flag is no longer welcome at NASCAR races or outside many government buildings in southern states. But you could probably walk into the White House with a flag covered in dildos, butt plugs, and cock rings that looks vaguely like an ISIS flag, and no one would protest. Because who wants to look dumber than CNN?

Posting Your Penis On Instagram Is Not “Flirting”

Designer Marc Jacobs, who earlier this year claimed to be “appalled by the whole social media thing,” accidentally posted a photo of his naked butt and ding-dong on Monday, along with a super-suggestive message—“It’s yours to try”—to his Instagram account.

We assume it was accidental, because he almost immediately took it down, and then when Gawker published a screen shot, he eventually (kind of) apologized.

“I was flirting with someone I met on Instagram,” he wrote. “I apologize to any one it offended. I’m a gay man. I flirt and chat with guys online sometimes. BIG DEAL.”

Wait, what? How is being a flirty gay man an explanation for sharing a pantless selfie on Instagram? We’re not following the logic.

“Listen, I’m sorry if you were offended that I just randomly walked over to your table at this restaurant and put my penis in your gazpacho. I’m a gay man, okay? I like to flirt!”

It could have been worse. He could have shared a dick pic like rapper Rome Fortune, who tweeted on Wednesday “express urself how u want is my perspective,” and then tweeted a photo of his baloney pony, accompanied by the riddle, “is this artistic or creepy?”

Listen, Mr. Fortune, if you’re going to post something on a social media platform that rides the line between artistic and creepy, you probably don’t want to get a consensus while you’re in the midst of doing it.

Here’s a good rule of thumb. If you are having doubts about whether something is creepy—enough that you have to write the words “is this creepy?”—then you’ve answered your own question.

“So listen, I’m currently putting my penis in your gazpacho. Is that creepy oooor . . . Oh, it’s totally creepy? Wow, I wish you’d told me sooner. Don’t get so bent out of shape. I flirt and chat sometimes! BIG DEAL!”

Is It Just a Penis, or a Metaphor for a Celebrity’s Inherent Dickishness?

Are you familiar with Justin Bieber? The pop star kid? Yeah, he, uh . . . he seems nice. (Don’t say it. We got your letters, okay? Message received.)

So he’s got this new video, “Where Are U Now,” and he apparently invited fans to doodle over some of the footage. And in one section of the video, some smart-ass person drew a penis, which appears to be penetrating Bieber’s mid-section. Take a look!

 

There’s been some heated debate about how the penis made it into the final edit without being noticed. Unless Bieber liked the idea of an angry wiener bursting out of his stomach, Aliens-style. But that seems unlikely.

Another theory is that this is a trick to get us to watch a Justin Bieber video in its entirety. The penis, according to people who’ve seen the video, occurs after a full two minutes! That means, before seeing a penis impaling the Biebs like he maybe-sorta-kinda deserves, you have to listen to two minutes of him singing.

Well, to that we say, nice try, but we just borrowed a screen grab from somebody else. Our ears remain unmolested.

BieberVideo

Whatever the explanation for the cock abdomen skewering, we appreciate the double-entendre joke possibilities that this video provides. To wit:

Have you heard about the dick in the Justin Beiber video?
Which one?
All of them.

It’s funny because it’s true.

Lily Allen Has Dirty Balls, But Her Head Refuses To Orgasm

If you heard anything about British singer Lily Allen’s performance at Glastonbury, it was probably about how she stole a “Fuck off Kanye West” flag from somebody in the crowd and then burned it onstage. Which is pretty badass.

But not as badass as walking through that festival dressed in a full penis costume, dragging around some lumpy-looking balls.

Lily Allen

 

Looking at this picture—which Lily posted, without explanation, on her Instagram—reminded me of that poor kid in Norway, who’s been running around ejaculating glitter onto strangers so they’ll remember to wear condoms.

Which of course makes me wonder, is Lily’s penis costume capable of jizzing anything festive out of its head hole?

Maybe not glitter necessarily—that’s so been done—but how about . . . oh, I don’t know, maybe silly string? That’d be perfect! And also, really alarming. Because the consistency of silly string is a little too similar to the actual discharge that comes out of an actual penis—the kind without Lily Allen’s face on it.

You don’t see a lot of penises spewing glitter. And if you do, you should get to a free clinic immeeeeediately. Because there is something seriously wrong with your pecker, dude.

Which of course, just leads to the haunting realization, what the hell am I doing? It’s a holiday weekend. I should be spending time with my family, watching fireworks and having picnics, not looking at pictures of Lily Allen dressed as a gigantic Captain Winky with dirty balls, as I ponder what sort of faux viscous fluid should be spurting out of her knob head. This can’t be healthy. And why are you stll reading this? Dear god, what is wrong with us?

Happy Independence Day, everybody!