LOUIS C.K. vs. LOUIS XVI

CATEGORY: Grew Up In….
COMEDIAN: Mexico City
KING OF FRANCE: Versailles

Louies

CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature
COMEDIAN: Ginger goatee
KING OF FRANCE: Powdered wig

CATEGORY: Frequent Collaborator
COMEDIAN: Chris Rock
KING OF FRANCE: Marie Antoinette

CATEGORY: Favorite Extracurricular Activity
COMEDIAN: Masturbation
KING OF FRANCE: Hunting

CATEGORY: Finances
COMEDIAN: Self-employed, releases own specials
KING OF FRANCE: Bungled France’s economic crisis

CATEGORY: Relationship Status
COMEDIAN: Happily divorced
KING OF FRANCE: Married second cousin

CATEGORY: Controversial Ally Of…
COMEDIAN: Daniel Tosh
KING OF FRANCE: American Revolutionaries

CATEGORY: Career Misstep
COMEDIAN: Lucky Louie
KING OF FRANCE: Beheading by guillotine

WINNER:
Louis C.K.

ERIC CANTOR vs. ERIC CARTMAN

CATEGORY: Big Ambition
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Speaker of the House
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Puberty

CATEGORY: Ethnicity
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Jewish
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Construction paper

CATEGORY: Debut
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Virginia House of Delegates
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: “Jesus vs. Frosty”

CATEGORY: Leadership Skills
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Delayed disaster relief
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Shouting “Respect my authoritah!”

CATEGORY: Uphill Battle
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Debugging the tax code
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Impersonating Hitler

CATEGORY: Living in Denial
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Voted against fiscal cliff bill
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Thinks he’s “big boned” not fat

CATEGORY: Stance on homosexuality
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Opposes gay marriage
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Fond of homoerotic pranks

CATEGORY: Out of Character
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Listens to rap
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: A Schindler for neighborhood cats

CATEGORY: Party Pooper
THE HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER: Scolded staffers for swimming in Sea of Galilee
THE “SOUTH PARK” BULLY: Tricked kid into eating his own parents

WINNER: Eric Cartman

POPE BENEDICT XVI vs. SIXTEEN CANDLES

CATEGORY: Legacy
THE FORMER PONTIFF: First pope to resign in 600 years
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: 80s hair

CATEGORY: Controversy
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Member of Hitler Youth
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Alleged date rape scene

CATEGORY: Religion
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Roman-Catholic
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Church is a place to get picked up by cute boys

CATEGORY: Asian Relations
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Never visited Asia, despite several invitations
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Long Duk Dong

CATEGORY: Red
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Papal shoes
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Porsche

CATEGORY: Social Media Compromised
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Vatican deleted his Tweets
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: “Sex Test” confiscated

CATEGORY: Anxiety-Inducing Coming Event
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Easter
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Ginny’s wedding

CATEGORY: Role of Virginity
THE FORMER PONTIFF: Job Requirement
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: Waiting for Jake

CATEGORY: Classic Quote
THE FORMER PONTIFF: “I too hope in this short reign to be a man of peace.”
THE MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE: “Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?”

WINNER: Sixteen Candles

SETH MACFARLANE vs. SETH

CATEGORY: Unlikely Accomplishment
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Lived 912 years
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Hosting the Oscars

CATEGORY: Reason for Fame
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Adam and Eve’s third son
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Ripping off the Simpsons

CATEGORY: Passion
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Astronomy
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Spray-on tans

CATEGORY: Famous Relative
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Jesus Christ
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Mayflower passenger William Brewster

CATEGORY: Narrowly Averted Disaster
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Brother-on-brother murder
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Almost on 9/11 flight

CATEGORY: Family Values
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Married his sister
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: Protested by parents watchdog group

CATEGORY: Epic Fail
THE BIBLE CHARACTER: Knights of Seth
THE “FAMILY GUY” CREATOR: The Flintstones

WINNER: Seth

MARISSA MAYER vs. JOHN MAYER

CATEGORY: Self-Inflicted Controversy
THE YAHOO CEO: Banned telecommuting
THE POP GUITARIST: Penis is a “white supremacist”

CATEGORY: Priorities
THE YAHOO CEO: God, family and Yahoo “in that order.”
THE POP GUITARIST: Stop doing “dumb interviews.”

CATEGORY: Publicly Courting
THE YAHOO CEO: Twitter exec Katie Jacobs Stanton
THE POP GUITARIST: Singer Katy Perry

CATEGORY: Denials
THE YAHOO CEO: Not a feminist
THE POP GUITARIST: Didn’t kiss a dude at a Palm Springs gay club

CATEGORY: Exes
THE YAHOO CEO: Former “employee number 20″ at Google
THE POP GUITARIST: Called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm”

CATEGORY: Parenting Credibility
THE YAHOO CEO: Private nursery for her son at Yahoo HQ
THE POP GUITARIST: Wrote “Daughters” about girls with daddy issues

CATEGORY: Future Plans
THE YAHOO CEO: Try not to be the sixth Yahoo CEO fired in less than six years
THE POP GUITARIST: Jam at Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony

WINNER: Marissa Mayer

LAUREN CONRAD vs. CONRAD MURRAY

CATEGORY: Passion
REALITY STAR: Fashion design
PHYSICIAN: Propofol

CATEGORY: Artistic Pursuits
REALITY STAR: Writing novels
PHYSICIAN: Serenading Anderson Cooper

CATEGORY: Claim to Infamy
REALITY STAR: Gave Heidi Montag a career
PHYSICIAN: May’ve killed Michael Jackson

CATEGORY: Internet Savvy
REALITY STAR: Runs several websites
PHYSICIAN: Thanked supporters on YouTube

CATEGORY: Hefty Paychecks
REALITY STAR: $125,000 per episode for The Hills
PHYSICIAN: $150,000 a month for Michael Jackson tour

CATEGORY: Twitter Followers
REALITY STAR: 3,034,380
PHYSICIAN: 3842

CATEGORY: Critical Consensus
REALITY STAR: “She’s just become irrelevant” – Perez Hilton
PHYSICIAN: “A disgrace to the medical profession” – Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor

CATEGORY: Current Residence
REALITY STAR: Beverly Hills penthouse
PHYSICIAN: Los Angeles County jail

WINNER: Lauren Conrad

TYRESE vs. TYRION LANNISTER

CATEGORY: Nickname
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Black-Ty
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: The Imp

CATEGORY: Career Obstacle
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Grew up in Watts
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: A Dwarf

CATEGORY: Lucky Break
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Cast in Coca-Cola commercial
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Born into royalty

CATEGORY: Powerful Ally
THE ACTOR/MODEL: John Singleton
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Lord Tywin

CATEGORY: Beneficence Towards…
THE ACTOR/MODEL: … inner city children
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: … prostitutes

CATEGORY: Last of a Dying Breed
THE ACTOR/MODEL: MTV VJ
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Hand of the King

CATEGORY: Unimpeachable Talent
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Six-pack abs
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Blackmail

CATEGORY: Biggest Fear
THE ACTOR/MODEL: Owls
THE “GAME OF THRONES” CHARACTER: Getting beheaded

WINNER: Tyrion Lannister

J.J. ABRAMS vs. JIMMIE “J.J.” WALKER

CATEGORY: Pop Culture Contribution
THE DIRECTOR: Revamping sci-fi classics
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Saying “Dy-no-mite!”

CATEGORY: Treasured Memento
THE DIRECTOR: An unopened box from Tannen’s
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Silver dollar from Mickey Mantle

CATEGORY: Tropical Fixation
THE DIRECTOR: Lost
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Walk-on role on Fantasy Island

CATEGORY: Stance on Gay Rights
THE DIRECTOR: Cast first gay Spock
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Opposes gay marriage

CATEGORY: Radicalism
THE DIRECTOR: Felicity’s haircut
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Official stand-up for Black Panthers

CATEGORY: Musical Contributions
THE DIRECTOR: Played keyboards in song about movie explosions
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Commercials for 8-tracks

CATEGORY: Obama, Pro or Con?
THE DIRECTOR: Attended George Clooney fundraiser
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Didn’t vote for Obama, twice

CATEGORY: Last Great Movie
THE DIRECTOR: Star Trek (2009)
THE “GOOD TIMES” STAR: Let’s Do It Again (1975)

WINNER: J.J. Abrams

CYPRUS vs. CYPRESS HILL

CATEGORY: Official Language
THE ISLAND NATION: Greek
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Spanglish

CATEGORY: Distinguishing Feature
THE ISLAND NATION: 300 hours of sunshine a year
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Nasal rapping

CATEGORY: Favorite Indulgence
THE ISLAND NATION: Halloumi cheese
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Cannabis

CATEGORY: Financial Planning
THE ISLAND NATION: Take hefty percentage from bank depositors
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Shouting “Dollar bill y’all, dollar bill y’all!”

CATEGORY: Breakout Star
THE ISLAND NATION: Aphrodite
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Mellow Man Ace

CATEGORY: Long Lines For…
THE ISLAND NATION: … ATMs
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: … Smokeout Festival

CATEGORY: Mental Health
THE ISLAND NATION: New laws for mental patients established in 1997
THE LATINO RAP GROUP: Insane in the membrane (insane in the brain)

WINNER: Cypress Hill

MICHAEL JORDAN vs. JORDAN

CATEGORY: Career High
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Six NBA titles
THE COUNTRY: Liberated from Britain in 1923

CATEGORY: Career Low
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Owns Charlotte Bobcats, losingest team in NBA
THE COUNTRY: Loses Jerusalem to Israel

CATEGORY: Better in Theory Than Practice
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Baseball career
THE COUNTRY: Democracy

CATEGORY: Dictatorial Tendencies
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Governed by monarchy
THE COUNTRY: Hitler ‘stache in Hanes commercial

CATEGORY: Exports
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Air Jordan sneakers
THE COUNTRY: Human trafficking

CATEGORY: Not Fooling Anyone With….
THE BASKETBALL ICON: …. shaved head
THE COUNTRY: …. open elections

CATEGORY: Olympic medals
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Two
THE COUNTRY: Zero

CATEGORY: Infidelity
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Paid mistress $250,000 in hush money
THE COUNTRY: Adulterers get three years in prison

CATEGORY: Nerdiness
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Space Jam
THE COUNTRY: King Abdullah II is a Trekkie

CATEGORY: Unemployment
THE BASKETBALL ICON: Retired, changed mind, retired again, changed mind again
THE COUNTRY: 13.1 percent unemployment rate

WINNER: Michael Jordan

(These stories originally appeared, in slightly different forms, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine.)