DON DRAPER VS. DON KING

CATEGORY: Real Name
TV CHARACTER: Richard Whitman
BOXING PROMOTER: Donald

kingdraper

CATEGORY: Trademark Look
TV CHARACTER: Nicotine stained fingers
BOXING PROMOTER: Troll doll hair

CATEGORY: Most Dangerous Promotion
TV CHARACTER: Lucky Strike cigarettes
BOXING PROMOTER: Mike Tyson

CATEGORY: Employee Abuse
TV CHARACTER: Frequent affairs with secretaries
BOXING PROMOTER: Beat an employee to death who owed him $600

CATEGORY: Political Allegiance
TV CHARACTER: Nixon
BOXING PROMOTER: Bush

CATEGORY: Military Experience
TV CHARACTER: Fought in Korean War
BOXING PROMOTER: Made an Honorary “Screaming Eagle” with 101st Airborne

CATEGORY: True Love
TV CHARACTER: Numerous mistresses and prostitutes
BOXING PROMOTER: Married to same woman for almost 50 years

CATEGORY: Arrests
TV CHARACTER: Once, for drunk driving
BOXING PROMOTER: 35 times between 1951 and 1966

CATEGORY: Legacy
TV CHARACTER: Made it look cool to drink at work
BOXING PROMOTER: Saying “Only in America” a lot, general loquaciousness

WINNER: DON KING, the boxing promoter

RYAN SEACREST VS. SEAWORLD

CATEGORY: Twitter Followers
TV HOST: 6,641,008
THEME PARK: 22,056

CATEGORY: Predecessor
TV HOST: Dick Clark
THEME PARK: Disneyland

CATEGORY: Animal Attacks
TV HOST: Toe bitten by shark
THEME PARK: Trainer killed by orca

CATEGORY: Made Rotund Performer a Star
TV HOST: Ruben
THEME PARK: Shamu

CATEGORY: Public Denials
TV HOST: No feud with Carson Daly
THEME PARK: Doesn’t use cow vaginas for artificial insemination

CATEGORY: Lawsuits
TV HOST: Reality show contestant
THEME PARK: PETA

CATEGORY: Humiliating Moment
TV HOST: Covered in Kim Jong-il ashes at Oscars
THEME PARK: Drunks steal penguin

WINNER: Ryan Seacrest, the radio host

GREECE VS. GREASE

CATEGORY: Famous delinquent
THE COUNTRY: 95 percent of taxpayers
THE MUSICAL: Kenickie

CATEGORY: Reinvention-friendly leader
THE COUNTRY: Papandreou
THE MUSICAL: Danny Zucko

CATEGORY: Famous ‘‘haircut’’
THE COUNTRY: Seeking debt- forgiveness
THE MUSICAL: The ducktail

CATEGORY: Looming Fear
THE COUNTRY: E.U. ouster
THE MUSICAL: Rizzo’s preggers

CATEGORY: Disputes settled by…
THE COUNTRY: E.C.B.
THE MUSICAL: Drag racing

CATEGORY: Guardian angel
THE COUNTRY: Angela Merkel
THE MUSICAL: Frankie Avalon

WINNER: ‘‘Grease,’’ the musical

PINK VS. PINK SLIME

CATEGORY: Name Origin
SINGER: Easily embarrassed as girl
THE BEEF FILLER: Looks like pink slime

CATEGORY: Biggest Supporter
SINGER: Husband/ motorcross racer Carey Hart
THE BEEF FILLER: Texas Governor Rick Perry

CATEGORY: Bragging Rights
SINGER: Pop Artist of the decade (Billboard)
THE BEEF FILLER: 70% of beef sold in U.S. supermarkets (ABC News)

CATEGORY: Kid Friendly?
SINGER: Almost named first child after Jameson whiskey
THE BEEF FILLER: Still served in many U.S. schools

CATEGORY: McDonald’s Connection
SINGER: Former employee
THE BEEF FILLER: Former Big Mac ingredient

CATEGORY: White House
SINGER: Not yet invited
THE BEEF FILLER: Banned

CATEGORY: Embarrassing Moment
SINGER: Falls out of harness in Germany
THE BEEF FILLER: Made of rectal lining

WINNER: Pink, the singer

TIM TEBOW VS. BOWFLEX

CATEGORY: Creator
THE QUARTERBACK: A Christian God who really, really cares about football
THE MACHINE: Ethiopian engineering student Tessema Dosho Shifferaw.

CATEGORY: Arch nemesis
THE QUARTERBACK: Tom Brady
THE MACHINE: Nautilus

CATEGORY: Philanthropy
THE QUARTERBACK: Building children’s hospital in the Philippines
THE MACHINE: Paid $2.3 million to Tennessee man who got an ouchie while exercising

CATEGORY: Homo-eroticism
THE QUARTERBACK: Kept pants on for Jockey underwear ads
THE MACHINE: Infomercials filled with sweaty, shirtless guys

CATEGORY: Pro life
THE QUARTERBACK: Did anti-abortion Super Bowl Commercial
THE MACHINE: Tangled up and killed a 16 year-old kid

CATEGORY: Gluteus Maximus
THE QUARTERBACK: Began college career playing Tight End
THE MACHINE: Promises to give you a tighter rear end

CATEGORY: Sex
THE QUARTERBACK: Saving himself for marriage
THE MACHINE: Inspired “The Bowflex” sex position

CATEGORY: Wishful thinking
THE QUARTERBACK: Prays during games
THE MACHINE: “Get ripped in six weeks!”

WINNER: Tim Tebow, the quarterback

JOHAN SANTANA VS. RICK SANTORUM

CATEGORY: Biggest Disappointment
NY METS PITCHER: Hasn’t yet thrown a no-hitter
POLITICIAN: Won’t be the GOP Presidential nominee

CATEGORY: Fundraising
NY METS PITCHER: Signed six year, $137.5 million contract
POLITICIAN: Sells sweater vests for $100 donation

CATEGORY: Left Sympathies
NY METS PITCHER: Lefthanded
POLITICIAN: Accused by Ron Paul of “very liberal” political record

CATEGORY: Endorsements
NY METS PITCHER: SoNu Beverages, Watkins Liniment
POLITICIAN: Pat Boone, the guy from Megadeth

CATEGORY: Charity
NY METS PITCHER: Donated fire truck to his home town
POLITICIAN: Gave 2% of income to charity in 2010

CATEGORY: Cancer Crusades
NY METS PITCHER: Gave $100,000 for melanoma research
POLITICIAN: Believes abortions causes breast cancer

CATEGORY: Venezuela Connection
NY METS PITCHER: Born there
POLITICIAN: Thinks Iranians are stockpiling weapons there

CATEGORY: Gross Sex Fact
NY METS PITCHER: Accused of Florida golf course rape
POLITICIAN: Last name is sex slang for anal secretions

WINNER: Johan Santana, the pitcher

CALVIN KLEIN VS. CALVIN BROADUS JR. (AKA SNOOP DOGG)

CATEGORY: Signature Style
FASHION DESIGNER: Clean lines
RAPPER: Laid-back rapping

CATEGORY: Nicknames
FASHION DESIGNER: Calvin the Conqueror
RAPPER: Tha Doggfather

CATEGORY: Jeans
FASHION DESIGNER: Super tight
RAPPER: Saggin’

CATEGORY: Underage Models
FASHION DESIGNER: Brooke Shields
RAPPER: Two girls in “Doggy Style” porn video

CATEGORY: Drugs
FASHION DESIGNER: Ads popularized “heroin chic”
RAPPER: Marijuana and lots of it

CATEGORY: Bad influence Accusations
FASHION DESIGNER: Makes gang rape look fun
RAPPER: Encourages underage drinking

CATEGORY: Underwear
FASHION DESIGNER: Mark Wahlberg billboards
RAPPER: 2004 hit “Fresh Pair Of Panties On”

CATEGORY: Technology
FASHION DESIGNER: 3D sunglasses
RAPPER: Duet with dead rapper hologram at Coachella

WINNER: Calvin Broadus, the rapper

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in various issues of the New York Times Magazine.)