Hi, there. Welcome to my website. This is the part of my website where I’ll be sharing news and updates. I honestly have no idea what that will involve, as I don’t have a book to promote, and I haven’t done a live reading in forever. What exactly am I going to “update” you about?

I could tell you that I did an interview with Pam “Foxy Brown” Grier recently, and she told me all about Kegel exercises for women who’ve slept with too many basketball players. But why not just wait until the interview gets published and you can read all about Grier’s Kegel exercises then? Is this section just going to be a collection of spoilers?

I guess I could share personal stories, like how I took my baby to a baby gym today, and discovered that all the mothers wear low-cut shirts and have enormous breasts, and how it feels like the mirror scene in Lady from Shanghai, but with cleavage, because there’s literally nowhere I can turn and not see boobs. But does that qualify as “News & Updates”? Surely you have more important things to read on the Internet than how I’m trying not to stare directly at the tits of mommies at a baby gym, right?

I could tell you about the hidden goodies on this website. The “Easter Eggs,” I believe they’re called. Most of the interviews and stories collected here are much, much longer than they appear in their “officially” published form. These stories are mostly rough drafts, without the spit-polish of a second set of eyes and the ruthless editing of a thoughtful third party. Sometimes they were cut for space, and sometimes for content. Sometimes, as with the Malin Akerman Q&A, the original draft included an exchange that was deemed “too hot for the Interwebs.” But I included that offensive exchange here, because I don’t really care if any of my readers are offended. I highly recommend visiting that interview, and clicking on the line “Knulla mig som en svart man” and listening as Malin explains how to say “Fuck me like a black man” in Swedish. You’ll be glad you did!

I guess that’s it. Oh, here’s something you might enjoy. I found this stone on the beach the other day that looks almost exactly like Pac-Man. Check it out:

Pretty amazing, right? Keep coming back to this website, and you’ll get more mind-blowing photojournalism just like that. You’re welcome, America.