We’re pretty sure it was Benjamin Franklin who said, “Hey guys, it’s Independence Day! Let’s all have sexual intercourse in really uncomfortable but patriotic ways.”
No? Are we remembering that wrong?
Well whatever, you get our point. For many of us, it’s a three day weekend. Which means twenty-four extra hours for making sweet monkey love with our best gal, just like the founding fathers intended.
But a holiday like Independence Day deserves something extra, something that says, “Murica.” We have a few ideas for you. Eight, to be exact.
Any of these wild suggestions are sure to put the fireworks back into your 4th of July festivities. And by fireworks, we mean sex. Like with your genitals. Was that not clear?
1. Signin’ the Declaration
Do you know how many people actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July Fourth? Just two. And that’s how many will be in your love tryst, which is pretty similar to conventional sex, except in your heads, one of you is John Hancock and the other is Charles Thompson, secretary of the Congress. Only you know which one!
2. The Sousa
Make up-tempo patriotic love while blasting John Philip Sousa’s “Stars & Stripes Forever.” Keep your thrusts in perfect time with the music. All movements should be rigid and homogeneous, like you’re a marching
band that just so happens to be fucking. Try to achieve simultaneous orgasm during the final cymbal crash. That’s almost three WHOLE minutes. You can do it, soldier!
3. The Mount Rushmore
Get four of your buddies together—male, female, it doesn’t matter—and then feel each other’s faces erotically, but stop at the neck because you ran out of money.
Have sex like you normally would, but do it while holding lit sparklers. At least six per person. And make sure they stay lit! See how it changes the way you interact with each other’s bodies. Your sensual touch becomes slower, more focused, possibly even slightly terrified. When you reach out for an embrace, you have to be eeeeeextra careful or… oh crap, you just burned her boob! And you’re pretty sure your balls are on fire. Next time you make love, maybe you won’t be in such a hurry.
5. The Hot Dog Contest
It’s just like Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Contest. Except it’s in your bedroom. And the hot dog is, like, your penis. And she’s being judged. If possible, with those little score cards like they use in the actual hot dog contests. Nothing says “I love you, honey” like “I give your performance a 6.”
6. Taxation Without Representation
We’re not entirely sure what’s happening here. But it looks like only one of these people is having all the fun, and the other is getting super pissed off, because “What about my needs, assholes?” He doesn’t even realize he’s about to lose everything, and she’s going to flush all his “tea” down the toilet.
In the words of King George: “Aw snap, I totally forgot to pleasure America’s clitoris!”
7. Uncle Sam
All you need is a top hat and a sturdy finger that says “I want YOU,” and you’re in business.
8. The Liberty Bell
Take your “liberty bells” and swing them near her “crack” and then you both giggle over the cleverness of your sexual metaphors, even though neither of you actually felt anything remotely pleasing or erotic, and if you were honest with yourselves, the Liberty Bell isn’t even technically a sex position, but whatever, it’s over now. Time to get dressed and go watch fireworks and pretend your marriage isn’t falling apart.
(Illustrations by George Eckart)