It’s been eight years since Bob Saget told the most disgusting family orgy story ever recorded for that Aristocrats documentary. These days, Saget’s potty mouth isn’t nearly as shocking or unique as it once was. This is especially apparent in his latest standup special for Showtime, That’s What I’m Talkin’ About (available on demand all month long). Saget is still telling dirty jokes. But now, with less people tuning in just to see the guy from Full House talk about his dick, he seems more relaxed and confident than ever. Saget’s finally hit his stride, doing what he does for the people who like what he does. All comics should be that lucky.
I called Saget — who’s preparing for a big summer tour, beginning June 7 in San Francisco — and talked to him about what you’d expect Saget would talk about: testicles, Disneyland, and John Stamos.
Whenever I interview you, I’m reminded of that scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen is on a first date with Diane Keaton and he says, “Let’s kiss now and get it over with it.”
You want to kiss me?
No, I want you to get right to the horrible sex jokes.
Oh, okay, I get you. You want me to say something incredibly invasive and disturbing that I’ll feel bad about later?
Exactly. Let it out in one big Tourettian spew. Say all the terrible things swimming near the surface of your subconscious.
I’m not the dirty weird bastard people think I am. They walk up to me and show me pictures on their phone, and it’ll be either sexual or bathroom-related. And I’m like, “Dude, I can’t look at that.”
Not even a peek?
It depends what it is. I am basically just a nine-year-old boy that evolved. But I don’t want to see pictures of your poop. People do that and they think it’s funny. I don’t think they’re getting what I’m all about.
When you say something dirty, it seems like there are two halves of your personalities. One half is holding on for dear life and hoping the other half doesn’t go to the bad place.
It really is like that. It’s one side of a body trying to turn off the other side. It’s like that Steve Martin movie, All of Me, where you have two people inside your body. “I’m a really good person/Oh God, I forgot I was talking to you about your testicles.” I’m just glad I’m not the host of The Price Is Right.
Because that could’ve happened?
My name gets thrown around for these things because I know how to host. But when that job came up and they were going through names, it was mutually agreed that I wasn’t the right person. Drew Carey is great. He has amazing self-control.
What does he want to say that he isn’t saying?
Drew has a dirty mind. Every time some contestant comes up, you can see it in his face. He wants to say something terrible like, “What’s wrong with your tits?” It’s a good gig for him. I couldn’t do it. But I’ve got nice things coming up. I’m writing a book. I’m finding out how hard writing is.
Is it going to be an essay book or a memoir?
It’s kind of like my standup in book form. It’s being published by Harper Collins, and I’m writing it all by myself. It has some memoir in it, and a lot about comedy and death in my life and how they intersect.
So you’re going to get dark?
It’s dark. It has a lot of darkness in it. I just finished a chapter about losing two sisters. And then I do irreverent stuff about it because it kind of gets me through it. Some of it is gallows humor. You lose somebody that you can’t imagine losing, and then people come over to your house, trying to give you solace, and say, “I don’t know how I’m going to live without her. Is there food?” I’ve had so much sadness in my family, but there is always humor in the sadness. These things exist simultaneously.
That sounds kinda amazing.
And then there’s stuff about my balls.
Well of course there is.
There’s quite a bit in the book about my balls. More than there should be. That is one of my editor’s notes. He sent me an e-mail that just said, “I really think there is too much penis and balls.”
That’s a good note.
I’ve never heard that from a man before.
Is there a chapter devoted to John Stamos’s balls?
I don’t mention his balls ever. But I do mention him. I also mention him in the special, talking about when he had the mullet, and his saucer matched the teacup, if you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
His penis looked like ZZ Top smoking a blunt.
Is that true or are you kidding?
I’ve never seen him naked. I had plenty of opportunities, like in gym locker rooms. But if I’d looked, it would have done permanent damage to my psyche. He sends me pictures of his dick ever day, but I won’t look. Dave Coulier, however — I’ve seen him naked constantly because he enjoys it.
How does he enjoy it?
He does it to make us laugh. Like some people do balloon tricks at a party, but he does it with his balls.
You’re going to have to give me an example.
I had a birthday party in Vegas, with Stamos and six buddies. We’re in the bowling suite at the Palms, and Dave Coulier took off his clothes and sat on the bowling alley. He pulls up — he’s going to get mad that I told this story — he sat on the bowling alley naked with his legs spread and pulled his ball sack up over his unit. I guess you call that the Turtle.
Some people would call that oversharing.
Yeah. I don’t care for it. But I’ve been around comedians who take out their dick and ask, “What do you think?” I’m like, “It’s fine, put it away.” And they kind of want that response.
You’ve known comics who do this? Can you give me a name?
Okay, that makes sense.
He was known to have the biggest penis around. I went to his 90th birthday… or 85th, I forget. He said, “Do you want to see it?” I said no. He said, “You know what I’m talking about, right?” I said “Yes, but I really don’t want to see it.” And the late great Red Buttons says, “Milton’s dick is so big, it has a sun deck on it.”
Dick jokes are always funnier when old guys say them.
These guys were making jokes like that for years. Don Rickles, God bless him — he’s like a dad to me, by which I mean we never speak. No, that’s not true, he’s a great man — he was telling me the other day, “We talk the way you guys talk, but not for a living. We didn’t do it onstage. Even at the roasts we didn’t do it.”
I need to ask you about John Stamos again.
About his balls?
No, about Thanksgiving. He posted an Instagram photo of the two of you spending Thanksgiving together, wearing bowler hats and seemingly singing a duet. Was that staged? Please say it wasn’t staged.
No, that was real. I was at his house. We put on hats and we sang. He’s a pretty great friend. It’s kind of amazing what a great friend he is. And I like singing.
What songs? Wait, don’t tell me. “Kokomo,” right? It was “Kokomo.”
No, but you’re close. We were singing Beatles songs. He had a Beatles book, so we were just going through them. His mother was there, my mother was there. We had ladies we no longer talk to, which is good.
It was hard to tell by the photo if it was an organic thing that just spontaneously happened.
It was totally organic. I had a couple of drinks and I was really happy, so we were singing. He’s got a band room. It’s so Uncle Jesse and The Rippers. He’s a great drummer and he can play guitar and he has all these friends that were in the Beach Boys, and they are always there when he has a party and I get to sing for three hours and people stare and leave as quickly as they can.
That’s… really weird.