We talked to the author of Conquered By Clippy and he left us feeling satiated and deeply satisfied.
We’re living in a golden age of weird erotica.
And no, we’re most definitely not talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. To find the truly creative and off-the-wall erotic fiction, you have to dig a little deeper into Amazon’s e-book dungeons, to the self-published authors who may or may not be kidding.
They write books with titles like Cum For Bigfoot, Sex With My Husband’s Anatomically Correct Robot, A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay, and the epic-sounding Abraham Lincoln, Fuck Lord of the Moon. We didn’t make up any of these titles. They’re real books, and they’re actually for sale. And people are actually buying them.
One of the latest stand-outs in this aggressively unique genre is Conquered By Clippy. We’ve read it—in its entirety—and it’s a thing of rare beauty. You can read it too, by going here and downloading it from Amazon, for less than what you’d pay for a Big Gulp. We highly recommend that you do this.
Clippy is, of course, the helpful (and long-since retired) personal assistant for Microsoft Office users, the animated paper clip with googly eyes who popped up on our computer screens and asked unsolicited questions like “It looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like help?”
Is Clippy the new Christian Grey? Probably not. But if you like your literary BDSM with a touch of “What the fuck am I reading?”, you really can’t do better than this 4000-word time-waster.
The Amazon reviews alone are priceless. “I purchased it with skepticism,” one reader reports. “But by the end, I felt like I had been baptized in the sweet nectar of Clippy’s love. I mean this exactly as it sounds.”
“I was so lost and alone thinking I was the only one who got turned on each time the chime of Clippy’s arrival rang through my speakers,” another wrote. “I often imagined he was running an ice cube slowly down his curves or tucking clean sheets of paper between his folds.”
I contacted the author, Leonard Delaney—which is probably not his real name—and requested an interview. He said yes, and then the magic happened.
This is a joke, right? This feels like a joke. This is not actual erotica. It’s satire, right?
For legal reasons, yes, it is satire. Wait, I mean parody? Whichever one is legal.
Explain your readers to us. How many people are buying your books because they’re funny and stupid, and how many are buying them as fodder for actual masturbation?
Stupid? I am hurt. But a look through the reviews and “customers also bought” section reveals that yes, a lot of people bought my books because they truly wanted to crank their hogs, slam their clams, or snapple their fucknuggets.
Do you find this stuff sexy? Are you personally aroused by Microsoft’s little helper?
That’s ridiculous. As a straight male who enjoys thinking about female humans, I would never be turned on by a male paperclip. What does turn me on is a strong woman banging a paperclip. I like Clippy—maybe I even love him—as a complex character in a deep and satisfying story. But when I write the sex scenes, my mind’s eye does not focus on his glowing metal poker of a schlong. As a writer, I do have to picture it in great detail, but I take no erotic pleasure in it.
Pretend I don’t get turned out by animated paperclips. Explain the sex appeal to me.
It’s not like living paperclips are inherently sexy. The thrill is in the taboo. From an early age, regarding paperclips and other office supplies, we are always told, “Don’t fuck it!” Stories like Conquered By Clippy tap into that deep-seated desire to explore things that were never meant to be explored. Everyone yearns to be naughty and do something they shouldn’t. It might as well be a paperclip.
Share a passage from Conquered By Clippy that you find earnestly, unironically erotic.
Here is a passage I agonized over for days:
“Shut the fuck up, Clippy.” Finally saying that out loud turned her on so damn much. She got the bra off, and her perfectly engineered breasts popped free, with nipples like eager little puppy noses.
Wow. I’m… I don’t know what to say.
I get erotically excited when I read this for several reasons. Number one, it shows that Christie is a strong woman who gets off on dominating sentient objects, which is the type of woman that I am attracted to because I often imagine myself as a sturdy, non-living object, like perhaps a stylish IKEA chair…
DELETE! DELETE! PLEASE IGNORE LAST SENTENCE! TOO PERSONAL!
Number two, it subtly equates Christie’s breasts with the technology that she so loves—“perfectly engineered”—hinting at the coming merging of man and machine through embedded microchips. And three, breasts are really great. Have you seen a breast? It’s really great to look at and touch at.
Clippy was all about helping Microsoft users with simple tasks. Is that his role in the bedroom? Is he a problem solver?
He just does his best to help. But in life and in the bedroom, that doesn’t always work out. I think readers will agree that Clippy’s erotic persona is portrayed as nuanced and realistic. His full potential will be further fleshed out in the many sequels I have planned.
We have a pretty extensive guide here at Men’s Health called 45 Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try. Which, if any, of these positions could Clippy actually achieve? Which ones would be the most difficult for him? Which ones would he excel at?
This is serious. Come on, man, don’t make this a joke. Could Clippy do the Iron Chef? Or the Butter Churner?
Clippy could achieve all of them. He’d have trouble with the “H2Ohh Yeah” though, because he’d rust. Nobody ever wants to be banged by a rusty piece of metal, usually.
Conquered By Clippy includes a CEO character named “Phil Gates.” How long until you get sued?
Phil Gates is a fictional character. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
But this isn’t your intellectual property, right? Microsoft is bound to slap you with a cease and desist eventually. Are you going to fight them, or take your bags of money and disappear?
I don’t think anybody would confuse any real products with the fictional Clippy engaging in fictional sex acts. If any overzealous tech company representatives were to try justifying their crappy jobs by deliberately mangling the definition of parody in an attempt to stifle creativity, I‘d take the $440 USD I’ve made and run for the border. Then I’d write my next erotic novella, Deep-Dicked by the DMCA Takedown Notice.
You’ve also written about Tetris Blocks. I haven’t read this one yet. And honestly, I’m not sure how this would work. Can you explain?
You’re probably thinking of the Game Boy version of Tetris, in which the blocks are very small. In the world of Taken by the Tetris Blocks, the blocks are about the size of a person, which allows them to engage in sexual relations with humans. Tetris is a very erotic game, with its emphasis on sliding objects into slots, and the exotic allure of its Russian origins.
What about our 45 Sex Positions? Which of these would be most accomodating for a Tetris Block?
Most of them would. When you think about it, humans are basically Tetris blocks that can change into different tetrominos depending on their position. When I stretch my arms up high and reach for the stars, I’m an I block! When I curl up into a ball and cry and wish for friends, I’m an O block. Think about it.
These two books are part of your “Digital Desires” series. How far can you go with this concept?
The possibilities are literally endless. We are in a blissful modern age in which digital objects are being created faster than I can write stories about fucking them. I can, and will, do this forever.
Okay, so how about Siri? You must be working on a story about her, right?
I don’t want to give anything away, but I just released Invaded by the iWatch. The iWatch is a fictional device that I made up, but fans of Siri will certainly find a lot to like about this new story, available now from Forest City Pulp.
Have I mentioned how awesome my publisher is? I helped create Forest City Pulp, and together with the other dudes who run it, we’re prodding at what it means to be a publisher in 2015. We live in an amazing time for books, when anybody can create whatever crazy shit they want to, and it can find its equally crazy audience. Publishers should be jumping on this new frontier of radical experimentation rather than trying to cling to old models. Conquered By Clippy couldn’t have existed a decade ago.
That’s great. But how about Google Now? What would a Google Now erotic thriller look like?
Google Now doesn’t really have a face or a personality, so it would be a challenge to engage in sexual relations with him or her. Challenge accepted!
Awesome! Can you tease us with a plot?
The plot would have to capitalize on this fundamental conflict. Google Now would appear to the protagonist as a disembodied voice haunting her, and answering her wishes with information and advice delivered at just the right time. The situation takes a dark turn when Now starts preemptively granting wishes she hasn’t even made yet… including those of an erotic nature.
Please pay me a shitload of money to hear the surprising ending.
(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in Men’s Health.)