Lose Your Pants. At 22, getting so shit-faced that you somehow lose your pants and projectile vomit on your friends is a hilarious yarn. After 30, you’re the guy nobody wants to drink with anymore.
Hide Your Porn. You’re a grown-ass man, there’s no reason to be all surreptitious about your smut. Keep it out in the open, right on your computer’s desktop where it belongs. Somebody has a problem with you watching porn? Then maybe they buy their own damn computer.
Have a Bedtime. It used to be easy to stay out till 4am, because you could get 20 minutes of sleep and still be fine the next morning. You have responsibilities now, and your body isn’t as resilient as it once was. We’re not going to lie to you, if you stay out too late, you will feel like crap tomorrow. But it will be worth it. It’s always worth it.
Be a Humorless Asshat. It’s okay if you don’t understand or appreciate a joke. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t find something funny, or even find it offensive. Being offended will not technically kill you. It might actually be character building. True maturity is realizing that your feelings and opinions are not the most important thing in the world.
Help a Buddy Move a Couch Carrying a 350 pound piece of furniture down four flights of stairs in exchange for free pizza and beer is not a smart way to spend a weekend. Remind him that you can pay professionals to do that shit now.
Know What Words “Phubbing,” “Bae,” or “On Fleek” Mean Unless you’re hanging out with teenagers, there’s no reason to be up to date on millennial slang. Using these words make you look like the old guy at the college keg party.
Think “I Hate My Job, But…” There is no but. Life is short, and the job you hate today is going to be unbearable in another decade. Make the leap while you’re still young enough to start over.
Still Know How to Make a Bong Out of Anything To ability to transform a soda can or apple into a working bong is only impressive to unemployed college guys. Nobody in your peer group is awestruck that you’re like a stoner MacGyver.
Resist Public Buffoonery. Hiding in the corner because you don’t want to be noticed is for insecure teenagers. Just because you have zero dancing ability is no excuse to stay off the dance floor. The only ones laughing at your bustin’-a-move ballet are the cowards too afraid to join you.
Try an “Adventurous” New Haircut There was a time and place to experiment with a “faux hawk” or indie rock mullet, but that time was ten years ago.
Split a Utility Bill Three Ways After 30, you should either be living by yourself or with a partner. If you still need dude roommates to afford your bills, you need to seriously reconsider your career prospects.
Be an Insufferable Music Snob. Don’t be one of those people who moan that they don’t make great music anymore, not like when you were younger and all the bands were awesome and original. Nothing about that sentiment is correct. Music is as amazing as it ever was, maybe more so. You just have to try a little harder to find it.
Never Play Hooky. It’s hard not to feel bad for that over-ambitious co-worker who brags that he hasn’t used his PTO in years, or that he always answers his work email within seconds. He’ll never know the unmitigated joy of calling in sick to the office just to sit in your backyard with a beer and a book.
Be an Argumentative Dickhead. Nobody—literally nobody—needs a lecture from you because they don’t share your political or moral beliefs. Best case scenario, you are going to change zero minds. Worst case, you will have ruined somebody’s day. There’s a nobility in disagreeing silently.
Not Embrace Your Inner Keith Richards. Instead of pretending that you’re going to learn to play the guitar someday, how about you actually learn to play the guitar? Being young has nothing to do with being a rock god. All the coolest guitar players—Keith Richards, Slash, Tom Morello, Bruce Springsteen—are in their 50s or older. If anything, getting older just makes playing the guitar more badass.
Have No Credit Card Debt You know who has perfect credit after 30? Guys who only borrow money from their parents.
Assume You’re Immortal. Avoiding the doctor was foolish in your 20s, but as you get older, it’s like a game of Russian Roulette. “It’s just a little chest pain, nothing to worry about” is the kind of over-confident thought that leads to your friends whispering at your funeral, “Wait, he was how old?”
(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the September 2016 issue of Men’s Health.)