1. You know your favorite teacher from high school that you still remember with exaggerated nostalgia? That’s how we feel about the porn we watched in high school.
2. We weren’t looking at your sister’s cleavage. We were looking at cleavage. Cleavage is its own self-contained entity. It doesn’t matter who it’s attached to. (Unless it’s our mom’s.)
3. You know that grimace you make when you clean our pee off the toilet seat? It’s the same grimace we make when we pull your clumps of hair from the shower drain. Well surprise surprise, looks like we’re both gross.
4. We don’t care if you had a lot of boyfriends before us. The number doesn’t matter. All we care about is that they were all mouth-breathing Quasimodos with no jobs who couldn’t find a clitoris with a road map.
5. Our favorite, pit-stained, badly frayed t-shirt you think we should throw away? You might as well tell the Pope to “throw out that stinky old Shroud of Turin!” No. Sorry. Never going to happen. Say six Hail Mary’s and walk away.
6. You see an unshaven face, we see a hair canvas. We could feasibly have a different type of facial hair every day of the week. Come on, you’re telling us if you could walk around with muttonchops for 24 hours, you wouldn’t at least try it?
7. Balls are a huge nuisance. They shift left, they shift right, it’s like having a bean bag chair in your pants. So please stop hassling us if we need to occasionally “arrange” our boys.
8. Complaining that we never ask for directions is like us complaining that you wear heels even when you know in advance that the evening is going to involve a lot of walking. We’re all irrational creatures, let’s just let everybody have their thing, okay?
9. No, we don’t hate shopping. You just pick the wrong stores.
10. We also cry. But it has to be worth our tears. Like Field of Dreams worthy. If Colin Firth makes a movie about baseball and fathers, fine, we’ll bawl along with you.
11. We’re well aware that we’re whiney babies who can’t take care of ourselves when we’re sick. But hey, it works, doesn’t it?
12. Being able to pee anywhere—literally anywhere—is like a super power. So of course we’re going to test its limits. We’ll pee outside, pee in a sink, pee over a balcony, let’s try it all. Don’t fence us in. It’s like having the ability to fly and then someone says, “You can only do this indoors.”
13. In our world, if you say “nothing’s wrong,” that means “nothing’s wrong.” Because if you believe, like we do, that language is a form of communication, in which a linguistic system of symbols or sounds is used to communicate ideas and feelings, then maybe you just SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN ALREADY!
(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the March 2016 issue of Men’s Health.)